That January 31st

At some point, 
we may all have one of those turning points...

Not a pretty turning point, 
but one that comes from a deepest crisis in our life.

Crisis:
1. a stage in a sequence of events at which the trend of all future events, 
especially for better or for worse, is determined; turning point.
2. a condition of instability or danger, leading to a decisive change.
3. a dramatic emotional or circumstantial upheaval in a person's life.
(http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/crisis)

For us, our Big One was 10 years ago today.
(Funny how some dates will stick forever in your memory.)

On January 30, 2006:
We had been married almost 2 years and were walking along pretty confidently down a certain path, with major life goals and changes coming together.

On January 31, 2006:
BAM.
BAM.
In the space of one unexpected morning phone call, I found myself crumpled on the floor of
our hallway, head in my hands. 

Life had crashed. Big time.

Suddenly all was an unknown.

All was uncertain. 

All my control was GONE. 

The rug had been completely pulled out. We were sitting on nothing but air.

So scary.

That day and the next overflowed with rawness.

Adrenaline to exhaustion. 
Exhaustion to heartbreak. 

Heartbreak to anger.
Anger to peace.

Peace to emptiness.
Emptiness to adrenaline.
Adrenaline to exhaustion.

And back and forth.

Constantly.

What do you do, 

but make yourself pick up one foot and then another. 

And repeat. 

You turn to those you absolutely trust to walk with you, 

to buffer you from falling,

to hold up your arms when you can't.

You guard yourself from those you just don't have the capacity to open up to in such an intense time.

You live one short moment at a time.

You (Psalm 23) "walk through the valley" knowing Someone is with you.

And you make choices.

BIG ones. 

Will I turn away?

Will I turn toward?

The initial days crawl by.

The world seems so different.

Life is normal for everyone else. 

But not you.

Not at all.

What is next?

When will life feel familiar and safe again?

The weeks go by.

Life continues: Survival and a New View.

Not easy. 

Like each step is through the thickest mud.
Through sadness. Anger. 
Wondering "if only..." 
Asking "what is next?"
"Will we recover?"

More weeks go by.

And then months.

And then the years.

Life continues, 

but down such an absolutely different path than ever imagined.

Not all bad though.

Just so different.

The grieving of the loss of the former path, the old familiar.

But, it is not all bad.

And sometime along the way, the "not all bad" shifts into an undiscovered kind of beauty.

What was once coping has gradually turned into a new normal...
and that new path has a completely different, personal, bittersweet beauty.

Bittersweet from going through the valleys and the struggles... 
But also a changed perspective.

And a loosening of those lost expectations.

Agonies and despair and uncertainty that have grown ever-so-tenderly into a deep, deep appreciation for what is lovely and positive and REAL.

Hope grows out of losses and hardest days. And what is more pure and rich than that?

The little is never little again.
(Not looking for the huge moments to see that beauty, but instead seeing it in the tiniest, simplest bits of life.)

"The soul would have no rainbow if the eyes had no tears." 
(Native American proverb)

And if seeing life and its ups and downs in that way doesn't bring some healing and gratitude...

• For a once-broken heart turning more tender.
• For no longer dwelling on what cannot be controlled.
• For the 'big stuff' not seeming as all-defining.
• For the once-unnoticed blessings being SEEN. 
• For absolute realization that Hope has always been there.
• For seeing the loss and grief and helplessness of someone nearby going through her own crises. (And yearning to walk alongside her.) 
• For that pure, indescribable gift in the recognition and appreciation of the good.
• For an inner radiance that could only grow from such painful days. (The light after trudging through such darkness.)

What is the only thing we have any smidge of control over?

Whether or not we can pick up that one foot and put it in front of the other. And continue.

Ever so slowly at first, but turning into a new boldness and gentleness. 

A different awareness.

You keep close to you what you need to hold close to you.

You trust that inner circle when you need to lean on someone else.

You see in the eyes of others whether they have had their own crisis moment.

You never forget the rough path of your journey, and you savor the sweetness when the path isn't so rocky anymore.

"Victories don't come by accident."

("War Room")

We have recently been reminiscing and reliving these past 10 years... 

The memories are still so strong and vivid.

BUT the milestones to look back on of how our path has been readjusted and recreated show us at least some meaning for we've been through. 

The painful memories don't disappear, but they are gently buried and remembered from a familiar distance.

Not ever wanting to go back through the hard steps again, 

but GRADUALLY seeing the crisis-to-survival-to-new-life with a gratitude for how we have been changed. For the richer. 

(Wrinkle lines and dark circles under our eyes and all.)

We would not be the same people AT ALL if not for that huge valley 10 years ago.

We would not be the same Team together if not for that shared trial and journey.

And I would not trade that for ANYthing.

No power of hell, 

No scheme of man,

Can ever pluck me from His hand.

("In Christ Alone")

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand:

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands.

("Just Be Held")

God has been in control.

God is in control.

God will stay in control.

Have hope.

Elizabeth