What is helping

As someone who has struggled with postpartum emotions and anxieties, these pictures represent some big things this past week.

Between processing the change and loss of leaving pregnancy behind and welcoming an actual LIFE into my world… Non-wrapped gifts are presenting themselves each day.

The moments of strong ups-and-downs still try to push themselves into the forefront, but right now, the gifts of these past days are staying in the lead.

• During our hospital stay, one evening was especially hard for me. Anxiety suddenly begun rushing in on me. It was almost hard to breathe and seemed impossible to shake it off. Nate went to run an errand, and I planned on spending the next hour having a good cry. But 5 minutes later, Nate walked back in the room, followed by a longtime friend. She had decided to stop by our room just to drop off a gift, even though we had decided to limit visitors that day. But she followed her instinct and came to see me. My big tears at seeing her surprised them both, but was as though God had picked her up and dropped her right in front of me at the moment I absolutely needed someone there. The next few hours were filled with deep, heart honest conversation between two girlfriends who have walked through some big stuff of life together. The sweetest medicine for my anxious heart. Like an angel had visited. God showed me His care in such a clear way.

• Before we left the hospital to head for the familiarity and noise of home, Nate laid down on the inclined bed, holding Anna close. This duplicated a scene from the past, where we had been in a hospital bed with our newborn middle boy on leaving-day. So, on this day, instead of leaving the hospital right away after being discharged, my cue was clear, to lay down with them. The three of us. So still, so calm. Like a bubble around us, protecting us from the rest of the world. Completely safe, quiet, worry free. For those long moments. The best gift.

And since returning home… 

The gifts continue.

• The purity and tenderness of a particular baby girl with deep blue eyes, round cheeks, and a soft swirl of dark hair who has entered our family and home. And older brothers who have taken her in, each in their own way. Wrapping this baby in blankets that have been given to us out of love and care.
• Laundry friends, who have taken totes of clothes to their own homes to help tackle the stress when our dryer stopped working. With a newborn. A family of 6. Mountains of clothes that had nowhere to go, until friends offered their time and kindness to meet such a need.
• Meal friends, who have dropped by our front door with homemade meals for my family. Daily blessings.
• A friend who has come over to stay with the youngest ones so I could venture out with the older ones. Who took one on a playdate so there could be a quiet morning.
• Sunny afternoons, when the guys get dirt covered in the backyard playing baseball. Ice cream, root beer floats with their daddy.
• An old dryer being removed and a new one being installed. After weeks of struggle, the whirring sound of working machines sounds so, so good.
• Friends who stop by to meet the newest member of our family, and to just talk. And let me take their picture. What is better than someone you care about loving on your child? Memories. 
• Tears in my eyes this afternoon at a good doctor report, that our youngest one will be the only one of our children not to need extra care for jaundice concerns. There have always been tears for me with this certain baby issue, but this is the one time they were tears of such relief and thankfulness.
• And the looking-forward-to of friends coming to visit. And my mom coming next week. And those who haven't met our sweet one yet. Loved ones.

And so, this day, what struck me, that being on the constant lookout for gifts is what is helping my spirit. 

My emotions may nose dive time and again, and not everything is smooth. 
But celebrating the gifts as they come, one hour after another? 

It is helping. 

(Thank you, each of you, friends and family and nurses and doctors, who have lavished care on my family. You are beautiful gifts.)