Here are a few segments in the saga of our lives these past, well...
15 weeks, 3 days to be exact.
Keep reading...
On an unassuming Wednesday in late August,
I casually took a pregnancy test.
(See, I'd been feeling pretty tired through the days and wondered if my thyroid levels were off, so I sometimes I take a pregnancy test before I'd go into the doctor to get my blood checked.) In light of just picking up my refill of birth control pills that morning, my mind was 99.9% certain of the results the test would show.
So when the "+" sign showed up, I just stared. After almost falling off my chair. And said "oh my gosh" out loud for maybe a full minute.
Then went on to take 5 more tests in the next few days. 'Cause, you never know.
And tangible was so important when this news was so unbelievable.
The physical support + true care of a precious friend that first day (who sat squished next to me in our upstairs rocking chair) gave me strength to finally get out of the chair that I somehow was stuck in for what seemed like hours.
Tears, freak out, tears, disbelief, confusion, more tears, fuzziness.
And staring out my bedroom window at the once-ordinary view of the street. Somehow the view seemed reassuring in the presence of such life-shaking news that had just knocked me upside the head and shifted my life's direction.
Man.
Four children.
That was it, that was in our vision, in our plan.
Even our nicely canvased picture on the wall seemed complete: Nate and I with our four precious babies right after their births.
Four kids were in my family, my mom's family, my dad's family, my sister's family...
Nowhere in our plans was FIVE.
It was hard to even swallow, that number. FIVE.
Almost as hard as it was a few years ago to say my sister had cancer, was it to say we were going to have five children.
I hate to say, that the thought of how others would react to our news shook me almost more than my own fears and anxieties.
And that is where God began to meet me and walk as close as close could be.
No, you don't have to remind me.
That we live on one income.
That I stay home with our young ones.
That our home is not a mansion.
That children cost a lot.
That they take your energy and run with it.
All that work.
All those sacrifices.
No. I got that. No reminders needed.
Please don't, in fact.
Those realities have been pretty darn present, 24/7.
And the reality of heading back to my OB's office for ANOTHER pregnancy made me want to run the opposite direction. We had said our goodbyes and closed that door. I seriously dreaded walking down the hall to my doctor's office door.
Our kids were all growing, and we were moving forward to adventures as a family of six.
Our youngest, our girl, was The Baby of the family.
Our youngest, our girl, was The Baby of the family.
Baby items: gone.
Maternity clothes: gone.
Randomly learning that hotels only allow 6 people in one room: put me over the edge.
A family of seven is new territory.
We were entering that same ol' again with pregnancy again. A newborn. Another child, PERSON to merge into our already busy family.
And we were also entering a new group, at least in my mind. Of a "really large" family size.
And I didn't have a joyful excitement about any of it.
When a door closes to a part of your life... that time has come and gone.
You do not expect that door to be opened again for you.
Life was a messy muddle.
And pregnancy sickness was just starting to push its way in my days.
I longed to feel like myself again. Familiar, even to myself.
But anxiety and dread and chaotic thoughts wouldn't leave my side.
But, this is not the whole story.
Thank. God.
After battling through unending mental arguments with myself... moments of relief.
Like the day I walked through an Altar'D State with my big sister and niece, and the signs of verses and quotes kept bringing tears to my eyes. Like, huge emotional roller coaster-but a good one. (Thank you, store, for allowing me to sneak pictures of all your gentle reminders of God being near.)
And verses a pastor would read at church that I had just happened to have read earlier in the week (Isaiah 46).
And a book segment a friend messaged me ("Kisses from Katie" by Katie J. Davis)
"As long as God keeps giving me these precious children of His, I will continue to love them with the best of my ability."
And quotes that brought yet more teary eyes. But oh-so needed.
A song introduced to me from a wonderful friend:
"He Will Hold Me Fast" (Norton Hall Band)
In fact, only times I really felt I could breathe with ease were when I was being fed, showered with encouragement, with words from the Bible/music/trusted ones to help me remember my faith, my beliefs in what this life is really about. (Thank you, dear friends and family for your kindnesses.)
Once I'd leave that bubble, my anxieties and concerns over this world's perception of me would return. So I kept returning to those sources that would give me life and not confusion.
And then, in late September, my newest nephew was born.
That precious new life started so rocky, with him spending days in the NICU to allow his sweet body to recover and strengthen.
And when I was standing near that baby boy, my momma resolve began to grow. The intense care of his parents, the love shown toward that miracle of life...
My heart began to open wider to that new life growing inside of me, as surprising and unanticipated as he/she was.
And then those beautiful ultrasound glimpses of the littlest Balder.
Seeing that quiet but rapid blink of a heartbeat...
Wow.
Not something I ever expected to experience in myself again. But, wow.
And in those next moments, a song came on over Pandora that took my breath away and brought happiest of tears to my eyes. A Beatles song. Really? "Here Comes the Sun."
I couldn't help but scoop up my littlest girl and swing her around the room in dance to the music, smiling and melting a bit inside.
https://youtu.be/V0kHokSsokI
That was a big day, of accepting. The reality of pregnancy was still a hard one, sickness + shock, but the news of a FIFTH child making our family into SEVEN had somehow sunk in.
So, like Nate said in a conversation in the middle of the night when we had just learned our pregnancy news, "This is a calling for us. OUR CALLING." To have these children given to us, to raise and sacrifice for and give until we've given all. It's hard and it's not the calling for everyone. But, it's a big part of OUR calling.
"Children are a heritage from the Lord,
offspring a reward from Him.
Like arrows in the hands of a warrior
are children born in one's youth.
Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them."
Psalm 127:3-5
As a dear friend describes this child, he/she is our "ENCORE BABY." Just when you think it's done, there comes an unexpected surprise encore to keep the show going. The adventure going...
And God will provide for our needs. Somehow.
And God will give us enough energy and love to share with yet another child in our family. Somehow.
"Because I am abundantly loved by Him,
I have an abundance of love to give."
(Lysa TerKeurst)
"We weren't made to be robotic followers of this world's formulas.
We were made to be transformed into the unique person God appointed to fulfill the assignments set before us.
...All throughout the day, she can can be heard whispering heartfelt pleas to her Jesus,
saying 'Show me the way, show me the way, show me the way.'
She courageously embraces His gentle voice behind her,
saying 'This is the way. Walk in it.'"
(Lysa TerKeurst)
(My favorite quote, currently)
Your encouraging smiles and hugs and kindness even in the grocery store aisles means more than you'll know, to keep me going forward.
And please, pray for us in all our future weeks and needs and decisions we face.
Life is beautiful.
But hard.
But beautiful.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
