What's with all the coffee mugs?

So, really.

What’s with all the coffee cup pictures taken on my camera these past few years?

A quick tour through coffee time bliss...

These past several days, my spirit has been reminded of the reason.

What those peaceful coffee images represent: 

It is much bigger than an obsession with coffee.

It is much bigger than a love of photography in capturing-the-bliss-moment.

It represents something deep in me.

It is the symbol and gift of soul refreshment for me, the introvert.

Something in this season of life has left me so thirsty, so overdone, so longing for solitude. 

This season of motherhood and adulthood is what I have longed for all my years, 

yet something in these years has gradually been snatching away much of the sweetest spirit and life from my hours and minutes.

3 young, busy, noisy, chaotic, fun, crazy, noisy, physical, risky, noisy boys all my hours of all these days? An absolute blessing.
But when the noise and the chaos is often all I see, my spirit loses its vigor, its charge. 
And it about dies out.

So here is are the questions:

• Why do I have a ridiculous number of photos with a cup of coffee. (Or book, or journal.) Why this image of beautiful silence?

• Why do I stay awake most nights until everyone else is sleeping, even if I am so tired, just to allow for some absolute quiet and stillness?

• Why is it that every time we have a cherished and longed-for family gathering in my childhood home, I must somehow slip out onto my parent’s front deck, or into the unoccupied living room to grab hold of space in solitude?

• (Heck, why even at my own wedding reception filled with beloved family and friends, did I need to sneak out for a moment or two, just to have some silence before returning to the celebration scene?)

• Why do I love my relationships with all my being (LIVE for relationships, just about) but also then deeply crave my solitude?

Why?

Because I. NEED. THE. ALONENESS.

Every itty bitty part of me needs it.

Not the slightest bit of exaggeration.

Why?

Because I am an introvert.

Meaning?

A huge need for energy conservation.

And the need to recharge my mental/soul/spirit batteries by being alone. 

A love of people, but mainly just that certain circle of relationships- in deep and rich and true ways.

Needing quiet and solitude:

In order to get back into the bigger, larger, louder world.

• To refuel.

• To regroup.

• To refresh.

• To appreciate.

• To notice.

• To breathe.

• To retrieve my real smile.

Otherwise?

If these recharging times do not occur, Watch Out.

• Empty.

• Grumpy.

• Angry.

• Resentful.

• Smile so forced, if at all.

• Explosion. (Like I said, Watch Out.)

“Your job and family demands 
may require you to function as an extrovert quite a bit.”

But introverts

“need a quiet, reflective place 
where they can think things through 

and recharge themselves.”

“It takes more time for introverts to restore energy 

and it flows out faster than an extrovert’s energy.”

(Marti Olsen Laney, “The Introvert Advantage”)

The struggle of this season?

24 hours are in a day.

I am surrounded.

Sleeping time is often The Only Time that provides a reprieve. 

(And does sleeping really count as down time? No. Not when you are unaware of that down time!)

This writer explains it completely:

“They (children) are with you ALL THE TIME.

You are ON.

All the time.

On call, on shift, on board.

You have little people needing Band-Aids, food, entertainment 

and perhaps most importantly of all, for you to be emotionally present with them (not just physically present, which is way easier in my opinion).

As an introvert, being alone is what energizes me.

When I'm alone, I can think about my kids, miss them and plan what we're going to do next.

But when they're with me ALL THE TIME, 

there is no time to think about them, 

miss them or plan what we're going to do next. 

I parent off-the-cuff, doing what has to be done, 

putting out fires and getting through the day.”

(Holly Klaassen)

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/holly-klaassen/why-parenting-is-so-hard-for-introverts_b_5518659.html

I almost cried to read these words, 

to recognize that I am not alone in this inner struggle of this season-

of very often resenting the constant needs of my little ones, and questioning my often-desire to get away from them:

“I was overwhelmed and outnumbered. 

The volume of work it took to keep my household running was exhausting. 

But there was something more to it than physical fatigue: 

parenting was emotionally exhausting. 

I felt trapped. I lived for naptime and bedtime. 
If one of the kids woke up early, I felt rage. 

I was desperate to get time away from them in any way I could.

My overwhelming thoughts when they were napping were, 

‘Please don’t wake up. Please give me a little more time to myself. 

Please, just a few more minutes.’

Society tells us that we should savor every precious moment with our kids, 

and I was struggling to do this. 

If motherhood had been one of my biggest goals in life, 

why did I want to get away from my children? 

Maybe I was a horrible mother.

“There is nothing wrong with you 

beyond the fact that you need time to yourself to refuel and recharge. 

You are running on empty. 

And you need to stop beating yourself up 

over the fact that you need time alone. 

It’s how you’re wired.”

(Kristen Howerton)

http://www.quietrev.com/surviving-as-an-introverted-mother/

Where is the chance to nurture your own life- and to not seek this selfishly, 

but to retain and your uniqueness, spiritually/emotionally/personality/passions/giftings/talents?

Where is that space. To just be. To recollect and to revitalize.

“Our downtime is sacred.

We use the quiet, the stillness, the absence of interaction 

as a way to renew our bodies and minds.

We need that time alone to become ourselves again.”

(Toni Hammer)

http://www.scarymommy.com/the-struggle-of-the-introverted-mother/#sthash.JILWjz5L.dpuf

This summer has brought this issue to the FOREFRONT.

When all 3 of my children are home with me (or out with me) every moment, every day.

(When this is my dream and life work- to be a full-time-hands-on momma.

But when I am running on empty and building up my anger and resentment.)

And it can absolutely impact my relationships, my marriage, my mothering…

Where is the break?

Where is the refreshment?

Where is the joy?

Trying to keep giving while on empty... can only lead to failure and discouragement and grief.

How to battle the guilt and the disillusionment of being that nurturing mother who loves her children but simply needs to be away sometimes?

Giving myself permission. 

Giving myself freedom.

(Not for neglect or laziness.

But to allow for permission to get away, while still being that constant caregiver.)
To allow myself to stay home.
To limit loud, crazy, crowded social events.
To remember the situations that DO give joy and energy: friendship. alone time to read/write/think.
And to embrace that this is the way God created my personality.

And I have discovered 1 practical way (DingDing! I love practical.)
I have begun surviving (and maybe thriving in?) these summer days:

Slowly.

Adding.

An.

Afternoon.

Movie.

For.

The.
Older.

Kids.

So.

I.

Can.

Sneak.

Upstairs.

For.

Time.

Alone.

Got it?

Yep.

Got it.

Simple.

But quite powerful.

(Keep in mind that screen time has been a rare occasion and treat for the kiddos in this family.

Very rare, which has the potential to be guilt-inducing to allow more of it... Remember that guilt, and that need to give self permission? That need for FREEDOM?)

But, the other option of constant interaction has left me exhausted, physically and emotionally and socially. So the movie break is the solution of the moment. 

This afternoon, the older boys are downstairs in the living room with a friend, intently watching the bonus features of “Monsters, Inc." while the littlest one naps.

And they are happy. 

And I, upstairs, sprawled out on my stomach and typing away with the ceiling fan doing its cooling magic, and I am happy.

There is no more “Shhh! Boys, just a minute! Would you just give me a moment to myself!" (Inside screaming: 

"Grrr!")

They are getting some much-needed time for stillness (instead of the constant basketball dribbling and shooting right in that same living room!) to rest those busy bodies.

They are refreshed. And I can charge up that (real) smile again. Time alone is the gift.

And so, yep.

A summer of afternoon movies downstairs is what this may be shaping into for this cozy-home-with-few-rooms to spread out and be alone.

(And while they lay back and chill with a movie in these afternoons?

I may just be upstairs in the quiet. Enjoying my solitude. 

Or reading. 

Or writing.

Or enjoying that cup of coffee. 

Or now that this topic has appeared so fresh and new to me? Maybe rereading my favorite about-introversion book that led me on my grad school final research paper on Introversion and Depression, “The Introvert Advantage” and digging into the related-topic book “Quiet.” 

These books are really recommended if you are at all relating with what I’ve written here!)

And so these introverted ideas represent and explain me. 

What about you?

Are you a fellow kindred introvert? Or a lively, loving extrovert? Or a sweet combo of the two?

We all tend to think “our way” is the preferred way of thinking/perceiving/taking in the world.

The diversity of extraverts and introverts of this planet are what make us all work together so beautifully. To provide a balance, to provide a unique tapestry of faces and personalities and passions in this life we share.

To understand each other a bit better, and be accepting of these differences?
That is what we can work on.
Not give guilt. But try to understand.
Ourselves, our relationships, our children, our jobs, our everywhere.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

Emptied

In these 5 early months of 2015...

Life has presented such changes. 
And losses.
New steps, unfamiliar paths.

1) My husband left his job and headed in a different direction.

• I have lost my longtime identity and role as "cop's wife." 
• (The good, the bad, the ugly, the painful, the proud.)
• Husband leaving his familiar co-workers and friends and the law enforcement role.
• We are all adjusting to this new career, new routine, long commute times, unknown future plans for our family. (And big, big blessings.)

2) 2 of our precious children have had eye surgeries. 

• 2 times, we have faced that familiar but frightening letting go of a young one to the surgery room.
• 2 times, we have cuddled near and cared for a healing child, blessed by that skilled surgeon.
• Facing once again the reality that each of our children have faced this very same health need, and working through the struggles of parent-guilt mixed with immense gratitude for the gifts of treatment and healing. And the bittersweet acknowledgement that our children's issues are minor in light of much heavier health concerns others face.

Waiting times in the hospital.

Post-surgery snuggles with youngest boy.

My infamous post-good news crying spot at the nearby-Children's Hospital restroom of McDonald's. 

3) 3 my dear friends have moved away.

• 3 times I have felt my heart breaking.
• 3 times the loss has left me such a tender void in my spirit.
• 3 times I have faced the ever-normal and to-be-expected reality of life's many paths and turns and the tug of that precious loss of a kindred friendship's presence.

Goodbyes with my dear Miss Marianne.

And how I miss our dear Miss Rachel.

And a just-happening farewell to dear Miss Marcy.

Different paths, differently woven futures.

And the outcomes of these events; the job change, the hospital days, the goodbyes...

A tired heart.

A worn weary spirit.
Feeling emptied.

In these months of changes and adjustments, 

life's daily work has continued 

and 

children continue to have needs 

and 

they continue to grow 

and 

bills continue to come 

and 

life continues to push forward

and

God. continues. to. provide. 

The hours spin and the days are full.

But the adjustments and losses still distract and linger:

• The leaving of that familiar job and routine. (Even for a good new beginning!)
• The leaving of those precious friends from the daily life. (Even for those friends' good new beginnings!)

Big gulps and brave smiles 

when that familiar lifestyle ends 

and 

Heart-tightening and tears 

when that familiar friendly presence is gone.

For happy or for sad, 
it is a loss of the daily.

Something to be felt. 
And grieved and adjusted and settled into eventually.

And you contemplate how the changes leave you reeling...

Investing deeply into someone's life is when I feel most alive, most full of purpose and passion. Giving. Time. Sharing. Connection. Sacrifices. Caring. Loving.

Giving until it hurts, because it is so.worth.it. 
And giving until there comes that time for the farewell, and the loss of something so present and so real and almost tangible. 
And that void that appears and lingers.

And sometimes you sense the huge weariness-

your outpouring of energy and care for others is far exceeding 

your inpouring of the invisible (of God)-

then your days seem to collapse 
when the visible disappears (the familiar: faces, routines).

But yet you walk on, one step at a time.

"God does not tell you what He is going to do;

He reveals to you who He is."

(Oswald Chambers, "My Utmost for His Highest")

The void may feel like a deep craving for some kind of comfort, security, distraction, in the searching for what's next.
And I'm learning:

"Every day we wake up and chase the things we SEE, or we chase an INVISIBLE God. 

We were made to chase.

We have chased everything under the sun and we can't seem to catch what we're looking for. 

We're trying to take wind and make it feel like concrete.

God has given us eternity in our hearts... a space for God alone to fill."

(Jennie Allen, "Chase")

A space for GOD ALONE.

To be chased. 

To pursue.

To allow to be filled.
When we are emptied and at a loss, 
He can fill and refresh.

"We chase God, and we get something solid instead of wind."

(Jennie Allen, "Chase")

God holds us.

Protects, watches over.

When I consider TODAY, once again: 
The fresher-than-fresh coming loss of the presence of a precious friend as she moves away in just a few hours...

A sweetest plan was revealed to this tenderhearted girl:
Where a void is about to be felt in the visible absence of a friend,
I can welcome the space.
I can welcome the space that only God can fill.
I can pursue after Him even more fully. 
This empty space and loss does not need to remain empty. 
No, the One who created even me is always there and ready to be chased, discovered, and loved. 
He is ready to meet those deep-within needs of mine. 
(And those needs of yours.)

What promise.
What love.
I'm captivated.
I'm in.

This is the moment His promises become almost tangible.
The invisible has become real.
"The invisible... more like concrete than wind."
(Jennie Allen, "Chase")

The daily, visible presence of these friendships will continue to be missed and longed for and steadily grieved. 

And yet at the very same time, the invisible presence of my precious God will continue to care, lead, restore, guide. (Psalm 23)

Turning toward that most-beautiful light.

Life giving light.

Whatever or whoever has created that void in your own life or those hard-to-adjust-to changes you are facing,

may these words shared here encourage and nurture your own spirit and heart.

May we both run toward God, 

Chase after Him and what He alone can fill in us.

Breathe deep. 

Welcome Him home, into your space.

"The name of the LORD is like a strong tower; 

the righteous person runs to it and is set safely on high."

(Proverbs 18:10)

Blessings always,

Elizabeth