Résumé

This topic has been on my mind for the past month... 

Brewing for quite some time. Popping up throughout my days. But I had been waiting. Until tonight. 

When the discovery of yet another suicide, followed by another suicide, the time to share my heart is now.

I have such a burden about this that I feel could write on to fill a book. 

The Spirit stirs strong within me. 

Music moves me. Books teach me. Faces remind me. Daily life motivates me.

Deep breath. Here we go...

How much of our value in this world is based on our qualifications, 

our successes, our presented self? 

How much of our own value do we place on our qualifications, 

our successes, or presented self? 

Our "résumé" for the world to see. 

Our life, defined and summarized by these headings:

Our Experiences

Our Education

Our Honors

Our Skills

Worth is assigned. Points are tallied.

We are measured by comparisons.

Or so we have trained ourselves to believe.

Our own self, as viewed through our living résumé.

And I am not talking the physical, typed on pretty paper résumé. Although that is relevant to most all of us. But what I mean is the deep down, who-am-I, what-do-I-have-to-show-for-myself résumé. 

It is what we have internalized and believe is real. 

It is what we have presented to the world.

And we glance at each other's résumé, and base our significance and worth on how we measure up. As we see it. 

So-and-so has just what I want, what I've been longing for. And it came so easy for them. But not for me.

So-and-so doesn't have the discouragements I have. Look at how pretty their life looks. And look at the mess I have.

So-and-so can balance it all. Perfectly. I can struggle to make it through the simplest day.

So-and-so has so much more energy, so much more skill than me. What can I do that can compare?

So-and-so just has an easier life than me. Just look at them! And then look at me...

Them. Me. 

Them. Me.

Ridiculous. To hold these perceptions, these LIES as truth. 

But to us, it can seem like truth. And truth that gets us dug into deep, dark holes.

Disappointment. Discouragement. Doubt. Deception. Despair.

(Sue Goodenow, Teresa Paulsrud)

But. 

"YOU CAN'T MEASURE SOULS. 

SOULS DEFY MEASURING."

(Ann Voskamp)

"Everything isn't a marker to make you feel behind or ahead; 

Everything is a flame to make you see God is there...

That God is working through this person's life... 
THAT GOD IS PRESENT HERE IN THIS MESS, 
THAT GOD IS USING EVEN THIS."

(Ann Voskamp)

My brother was talking with me today about a discussion among his church class (led by Pastor Chuck Mullikin) in processing recent tragic news. About the tendency we have to hide our hurts from others. To maintain that front, that appearance that we somehow believe we must show the world. That we even feel we must show those close to us:

The "Dutch front."

In a beautiful, lovely Dutch town, there was a dilapidated building that suddenly boasted a new exterior. A Dutch exterior, to match the Dutch exterior of surrounding buildings. It looked nice; it appeared to pass the test.

But underneath that new, attractive storefront, the same beat-up structure and worn interior remained.

It didn’t fix the inside: it just made it look nice as you passed by, glanced toward it.

We may be hurting on the inside: underneath we may be in despair, be hopeless, be feeling so ugly and worthless. A failure... that we cannot allow the world to see. 

Or so we have trained ourselves to believe.

We often try to hide our hurting with a lovely exterior. 

Our "résumé."

Our method of determining success, value, worthiness.

Or so we have trained ourselves to believe.

Where to go from here?

We must recognize and remember the gift Christ offers each of us: 

His sacrifice of own His life, for each of our own lives. 

To take our place and die 
for our weaknesses and faults and mess ups. 

And His promise of absolute perfection to come, 
with Him, after we die. 

How our following Christ in this life is all that matters: 

both now and our forever to come.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he/she is a new creation; 

Old things have passed away, and look, new things have come."

(2 Corinthians 5:17)

And to take to heart this truth:

"Christ DOES make us new, 

but we still are humans who have the brokenness of the world."

(Brother of mine)

"Through all the pain, suffering, grief, 
God is working out this same unstoppable purpose for you. 
He's forming in you the character needed 
for the assignment that He has for you...
Only through that kind of process can you have 
that unshakable faith and overwhelming confidence in God, 
because He is a God of purpose...
What is being created in you because of your painful experience: 
that is the very apex, the ultimate expression, 
of the very heart of God to others." 
(Kirk Cameron, "Unstoppable")

For an introspective girl like me, who has been fighting the battle of depressive thinking for years and years, I almost constantly mull over "What is the purpose of it all? What is the point?"

Without my faith in God, I do not know that I would have made it this long in this hard life. HOPE. 

"Hope is that beautiful place 

between the way things were 
and the way things are yet to be." 

(my favorite ever Hallmark card) ;)

What gives life meaning?

1. WONDER 

(like the wonder of a child, taking in the newness of the world; the breath-taking view that resounds in your spirit)

2. TRUTH

(discovering the truth that makes life have purpose, fall into place)

3. LOVE/BELONGING 

(we hunger for this)

4. SECURITY 

(From a message by Ravi Zacharias)

"God loves us. 

Not how we WANT to be, 
but how we ARE."

(Nate Balder)

Please, please. If you are feeling overwhelmed (even to the point of despair) over your life's "résumé", please allow yourself to be vulnerable to someone. To me. To another loved one. (So many of us are struggling. We don't always see each other's pain and hurt, but it is real.) Don't let your view of your value and your worth be defined and confined to a perception of this world's determination and critique of who you are.

"We can live out loud and we can say we struggle... 
Getting rid of the darkness in our lives 
and beginning to live in the Light."

(Pastor Brandon Barker, Westwind Church, http://www.westwindchurch.org/sermons/)

As hard as this can be to believe for yourself how God feels toward you, toward all of us, let these truths soak in...

"Because you are precious in My sight 
and honored, 
and I love you."

(Isaiah 43:4)

"Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; 

I have called you by your name; 

you are Mine."

(Isaiah 43:1) 

YOU are loved. Not your supposed qualifications, not your success rate, not your skills and experiences, not your perceived worth. YOU.

"Just as I am..."

Blessings as always, 

Elizabeth

Dear Bride Girl

10 years ago at this very hour, I had walked down the aisle and met my just-about-to-be husband in front of our pastor, parents at our sides.

The beauty of a wedding day: 

Every single minute counted. Long anticipated and planned. Nerves and energy buzzed within, yet I also wanted my heart quiet and focused. 

So in time of need, before walking down that aisle to become a wife, I brought out my "sidekick": my journal. Even for a half a minute, I wanted to spell out my thoughts in the best way I can. To aid in my memory process: because once written out, my heart can be documented forever. 

I'm not sure where that particular journal is this afternoon, but I know it's saved in a box, in the basement. (Since I willingly admit that letters and writings are something I.cannot.part.with!)

I do wonder though, what my 10 years ago self would think of my 10 years in the future self. 

Let's say my past self learned what current me is up to, what life looks like:

• Living in Iowa. Purchased a house.
• Worked as a counselor. Now staying home with children.
• Given birth to 3 babies. THREE boys. All now kindergarten and under.

What a dream. 

The basic longings I hoped for as a single girl have "come true": 

• Companionship in marriage.
• Raising small children. 
• Arranging a life at home. 

And now, let's get into the nitty-gritty.

The worn and the beautiful?

In ways I could never have imagined, marriage has shaped me, changed me in subtle ways, yet made me more bold in who I am.

The trials in life could have torn us apart, but instead (through molding, through fire) shaped us into a new fit and drew us tight.

Oh, how our marriage has grown stronger as a result of the hard times. More solid. A team. (Don't.Cross.Us. Right?!)

The respect I have for my hard-working husband is so very high, growing with each passing year. 
The love I have for him continues to grow and deepen. (And this has only been 10 years... what about coming years? I can only imagine! This gets my heart aflutter. Even practical ol' me!)

The good times, then? They are very good. Daily appreciated.

This is the good.

Then there are the unexpected, less glorious changes within that 10 years ago bride.

What would the younger me think of my obsession with order? Did that desire cross my mind back then? Did I just not recognize the desire in me for control, for unattainable perfection in surroundings? I don't think I was so stressed with tasks. So impatient. Maybe because there was less that was out of my control, in not having children around. Somehow, it just didn't concern me so much. But now?

And how I longed for the time of having children, to become "Mommy".

And now that I have, I continue to need strength in embracing that role. The need is so constant. So daily. Every day demands strength and perseverance anew.

Do I want to go back to the years of no one really needing me? No, not really. It has just grown complicated: when reality broke into the companionship of a husband and wife. The reality of fighting for "just us" time, let alone "me" time.

Yet. 
(There's my favorite word again!)

There is such beauty in sacrificing for another. In living beyond your own self.

"Sacrifice is Love with clothes on. Love is Sacrifice with clothes on." 

(Chip Ingram)

And oh. How God has become more real, more everyday present in my life these 10 years later. 

My relationship with Him has grown as a result of need, of desire, of gratitude. 

Recognizing that He truly is sufficient when circumstances hurt, when needs overwhelm.

Abiding near to Him is what builds my trust in Him; my confidence that, "come what may", I need not be troubled, because He cares for me. 

(We need not be troubled, because He cares for us.)

Contentment grows in this perspective. And it remains as solid as can be, this side of Heaven.

So, 10 years ago self?

Life will be much more challenging than you could ever anticipate.

But. 

Life will be so much sweeter than you could imagine.

Perseverance. Dedication. Sufficiency outside yourself. Humility when often getting it wrong. Love. Gratitude.

^"Above all, put on love- the perfect bond of unity. 

And let the peace of the Messiah... control your hearts. Be thankful. 

Let the message about the Messiah dwell richly among you... with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

(Colossians 3:14-17) 

For us? 

We try to keep the basics the basics, our values as the foundation. 

We try to remember that in the expected-busyness of life, the American Dream is not the reality we long for. Life is much bigger than this. (Yet, our own lives are much smaller than this life. There is a coming eternity, filled with all hope, as followers of Him.)

We try. We fail. We are no experts. But we keep going. One step at a time. Right??

As is inscribed on the inside of both of our wedding bands: 

"Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us- to Him be the glory." 

(Ephesians 3:20-21)

Blessings as always,

Elizabeth

Path 1 or Path 2

It is one of those tapes that can turn "on" at unexpected times.

The playlist with that too-familiar message that repeats in your mind, that snatches the wind from your sails, leaving you stranded and stuck.

Mine?

"Others are doing what you wish you could."

"I already need to be at the pinnacle of my journey."

Not quite jealousy. Not quite coveting. 
More like wanting more, desiring that dream that has not yet (or may not ever) come into focus.

As the writer of this blog, my heart and vision is for you as the reader to be encouraged and inspired and spurred on in your journey as a result of the words and images and  subjects and lessons of my everyday.

• Others, MANY others out there (same age as me, similar life circumstances as me) are also writing and sharing through their own blogs. Inspiring, convicting, captivating. Hundreds, thousands follow their words.
• Others more write books, to share their hearts at a larger level. Hundreds, thousands read their written thoughts.

Me? 

My vision I just wrote about? 

How I long for more and more people to read and grow from God's leading and in my life. Oh, how beautiful it would be to have the scale of impact of those fellow writers, those sisters in faith. 

I think about this often...

Are my desires prideful and self-seeking? 

(Wanting a known name, wanting to be responsible for impacting such audiences.)

OR 

Are they more "acceptable" desires? 

(Simply wanting to be used by God in greater, far-spanning realms.)

This is where my mind can go different directions. 

And this is where I need to tread carefully.

And to ask myself: 

What am I seeking? 

Path 1: The approval of others (in this case, shown by blog-reader-numbers or positive feedback shared from you).

OR 

Path 2: Is following God's prompting and leading enough, just knowing I'm following His plans, however grand or small?

Phew.

Path 1 is so reliant on circumstances and so prone to ups-and-downs (like a large number of readers means success, and a low number means I somehow failed?)

Path 2 is the path of beauty and peace. Personal growth, deeper dependence and attention away from selfish desires, temporary fulfillment. 

Oh, is it hard. To turn away from Path 1, the path of self-focus, of personal satisfaction. But when you turn away from that first path, Path 2 offers fresh air, pressure off your shoulders. A break from the self-recrimination. And instead a chance for striving for a different kind of glory, purpose.

How can we view our passing days as okay to be a work-in-progress.

Instead of clinging to the belief that all must be right, be completed now. To already have reached the place I want to be, to have met those goals, to be fully there.

Now what in the world do I base this expectation on?

Does truth tell us that life is going to be perfect now? (For that matter, will life here on earth be perfect ever? Hmm.) 

Yet, whether from culture's messages or our own desires for comfort and achievement and gratification, 

I have fallen into the temptation of believing that it is possible, expected even, that we should reach that beautiful perfection and meet those goals now.

Focus is on discontentment.

Focus is on comparison.

Focus is on what is lacking and unachievable.

Focus is on what is seen.

Focus is on SELF.

That is the *lovely* Path 1.

Somehow it takes such effort to turn your back from heading down that path. 

It requires complete determination and perspective shifting to turn your mind and heart to face a new road, to face Path 2. 

What of Path 2? 

• Believing the "simple" and foundational truth that you and I are made in God's image, that He loves us, that He has a plan for the purpose of our lives, distinct and personal, unique and necessary, distinguished from any other person He has created. 
• That He offers true, lasting satisfaction. In Him. 
• Pure and immovable acceptance. Not based on achievement or applause.
• We can feel mistake-ladden, and He will not love us less. 
• We can feel like we're doing great, and He will not love us more. 

Wow. 

Like the beloved story, Sidney and Norman by Phil Vischer, my heart relates so closely to the character of Sidney. Who struggles to accomplish even the mundane of life, and wonders how things can come so easily to others. Who gets down on himself and feels less-than and clumsy. Yet, who learns a tremendous lesson of God's love for him. Unconditional. Guaranteed. Always.

Our task? 
To remember.

To remember God's love and trust in His design and His ways for our lives.
To remember where to turn for those accolades, or if those accolades are even necessary. God's loving presence can be enough. More than enough.
To remember what it's all about. 
So that we can turn away from our big, self-satisfying dreams. And to turn instead toward the grander, yet the *smaller*... What truly matters, even if feeling unseen, under appreciated, unfinished.

Like this newly-cherished story, "The Tallest of Smalls" by Max Lucado... 

"And there Ollie sat. He might not have moved, might have sat there and cried, 

except for the touch he felt on his side. 

So gentle and caring, that he looked up to see Jesus smile down and say, 
"Ollie, come walk with me. 

Keep your feet on the ground, refuse to be stilted; 

chose low over high; leave the system tip-tilted."

So, along this journey of ours:
those desires of ours... 
those dreams we're waiting on...
those unmet expectations...
those times we feel left in the dust of other's achievements...
Even if this blog never reaches the wider audience I could dream of...

Let's just remember we are works-in-progress.
And smile. Even if it's hard. 
Because we. are. loved.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

You'd Better Believe It

Oh, you'd better believe it...

What words would complete this for you? Fill-in-the-blank.

I'm so curious. A wink may accompany your thought.
or could there be a heart-truth from deep within?

I have both, too...

Case #1:
Our littlest one took an early nap today, and a solitary nap at that. (Meaning that by the dinner hour, his fussy/hysteric demand to be carried was overwhelming.)
Groceries were unloaded, holding him.
Dishwasher was unloaded, holding him.
Dinner was prepared, holding him.
Gritting teeth, but feeling empathetic toward the weary boy, my neck ached. My nurturing side traded off with my foul side, back and forth.
Dinner cleanup, more fussiness.
Bath time needed, more screaming.
Older brothers then wanted baths. Busy busy. Noise. Splashes. Music. Energy.
Husband carried our baby away from the sounds and rocked slowly in that pale blue boys' room. When bath time was over and the noisy boys were dressed, teeth brushed, ready for stories, I found a sight: Littlest one nestled into his daddy's shoulder, eyes closed, blanket covered, calm all over his face.
My brow furrowed. Eye contact with my husband. I nodded abrupt and held out my arms. After a questioning look of "really?" our slumbering baby transferred into this momma's seeking hands. It had been a rough 2 hours of crying and needs. And when my arms had finally become free... The sight of that sleeping one was too much. My arms full once again, my breathing slowed and rested easy.
You'd better believe it.

Takeaway lesson: When the meeting of another's needs meets your own needs.

Case #2:
A drive in the country on a spring day after a morning away with the 2 youngest. One snoozing, the other staring peacefully out his window. "Should we turn right and go home, or turn left and keep driving?" I ask the awake one.
Jump ahead minutes...
New path, new road, new views. Peaceful, inspirational Josh Groban playing. I pondered what we could do to bless someone today?
Suddenly.
Slippery mud + Confidence misplaced + Mistake made = Stuck. 
Wheels spinning, twisting steering wheel, gas peddle down. No go.
Desperate call made to a friend. Cell phone battery notification flashing: low battery.
(You'd.better.believe.it.)
Away from my control, connections were made and a rescue was in progress.
Silver truck in the rear view mirror, sliding its own path down toward the stranded van.
Baby awoke. Screaming. Music off.
Both boys unstrapped, monkeys climbing inside. Asking to listen to Elmo. Needing to use the restroom.
My heart thumping fierce. Hands shaking without control.
Oh, the emotions and flooding of thoughts: Self-blasting. Shame. Regret. Anxiety. Indebtedness. Searching for any grander purpose for the circumstances.

Eventually, rescue was accomplished. A smile of relief. Hands still quivering. Shaking my head, looking down. 3 selfless, serving men saved the 3 helpless, needy ones. No payment taken, just the warmth of community and care. Love in action.
You'd better believe it.

Takeaway lesson: When the one who wants to bless instead becomes the one who needs the blessing... I cannot do this life on my own. 

Needing others... not being completely self-sufficient. (Not even close!)

The beauty seeker in me dislikes the rushed, clumsy, hasty side of me. 

Yet what can this discord create within?

Hope for humility and likelihood to be molded, shaped.

"We are the clay, and You are our Potter, 

and we all are the work of Your hand."

(Isaiah 64:8)

"It is not a question of our equipment, but of our poverty; 

not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us."

(Oswald Chambers)

"Undistracted by our giftings, we can focus upon our character. 

In the absence of anything to measure, 
we are left with nothing to start at except our foundation. 
Risking inspection, we begin to examine the motivations that support our deeds, 

the attitudes that influence our words, 
the dead wood otherwise hidden beneath our busyness. 

Then a life-changing transition occurs as we move from 

resistance through repentance to the place of rest. 

With gratitude, we simply abide."

(Alicia Britt Chole)

See these remnants of mud markings on the tire? 
Humility and love.

(You'd better believe it.)

You'd better believe it:

At the end of a day, a hot cup of decaf coffee. A journal, a book, a letter. In the quiet. That's it. (Keep it simple, all.)

You'd better believe it: 

I often wish life I could live in dear Franklin's world... 

 simple, sweet, manageable and pure.

Blessings on your believe-it moments,

Elizabeth