Time and Talents

I toss aside most of the magazines I receive. 
I do not log into my Pinterest account.

These are tools designed to provide ideas on how to be the best at life. But they do not settle into my spirit easily. 
Do. Accomplish. Show.
I feel yucky. I get a pit in my stomach. There is an ugly sensation that strives to find a spot to dig in deep and grow roots deep within me. 

It is the belief that I am lacking: 
Lacking talent, lacking the time it takes to create and actually complete.
Lacking time.
Time to nurture talents.
Time with hands free, available to create something beautiful and lovely.

I made the mistake this morning of simply flipping through the pages of my latest parenting magazine. Ideas for beauty. Ideas for crafts. Ideas for health. Ideas for toys. Ideas for shopping. Ideas for meals. Ideas. 
Nothing was wrong with any of these Ideas. It is just that, with each page turned and each image that jumped out at me, I felt smaller. Pressing me to accomplish things so I could show you what I did with my day. A list that is impossible, for me at least. 

I am writing this post with my 3 year old sitting in my lap. He is munching on his goldfish crackers and commenting on how fast I am typing. He is looking closely at my wedding ring and tells me how (the diamond) looks like a ponytail sticking out of top of the ring. I murmur my responses back to him. He leans close into me.

I suppose this is how I spend my time. Sitting with my boys on the floor, at the table, in a rocking chair. 
Listening. Commenting. Observing. Answering. Cuddling.

At this point, I am not willing to walk away from these moments in time. 
Floorboards need to be refreshed. Ceiling fans need to be dusted. Window sills need to be touched up with paint. There are always responsibilities. 
And this is before I even consider adding on other projects to try to keep up with the magazines and Pinterest users. 
Cute holiday food creations to share? I wish.
Homemade decorations made out of the cutest materials to set out? I wish.

I do not have a bit of skill in sewing, knitting, elaborate baking, gardening, canning, on and on and on. I truly beat myself down when I think in this way: that I do not possess the talents that have something to offer you tangibly.
To you. these projects may excite you and energize you. Stir you up to create and feel more fully alive. 
I would like this side of me awakened...

So I sit down to think. 

What awakens me?
To sit down with you over a cup of coffee and listen.
To listen, then encourage.
To journal, read, share ideas.
To inspire. 

That's it. 
My heart's desire is to inspire and encourage.

Can I inspire or encourage you 
by choosing to wallow in comparisons? 
Your talents vs. mine? Does this inspire anything lovely? No.

Can I inspire and encourage my boys 
by wishing that I was spending my time differently, trying to be someone I am not created to be? What will they learn from this?

Can I inspire and encourage 
by my words and thoughts? Words written or spoken, images shared. Thoughts spread without knowing how far they will travel. I hope so. 

Is my heart's desire TANGIBLE? 
Maybe that's the issue. No, it is not. 
(Tangible: 1) Easily seen or recognized. 2) Able to be touched or felt.)
There is nothing to SHOW you about my passion in living. 
Nothing to set on the table and brush my hands over in satisfaction over completion.

My hope is to inspire and encourage and motivate and strengthen.
So intangible. Not seen with your eyes, touched with your hands. Not measurable. 

(Does that mean intangibility lacks value? 
Sorting this out.)

So now.
I hope you are able to learn your heart's desire. And that you are able to nurture it. Celebrate it. Not with any teeny bit of comparison to that person you habitually measure yourself against. 

Is your heart's desire to be a giver of hospitality, and arrange those gorgeous food creations to share with those people you invite into your life?
Is your desire to nurture health in your family, and be an loving artist in the kitchen with your recipes?
Is your desire to create a living space brimming with personal touches, in which you can display your homemade pieces of yourself?

I do not want to compete with the desire of your heart that God has placed deep within you. 
I do not want any of us to question the beauty in how God has designed you and me. 
I do not want us to push aside what truly awakens our spirit. 

How beautiful it would be, if we would all simply cherish and hold dear and nurture the fragile-yet-impassioned desires of our hearts. Even if the world around us doesn't acknowledge that beauty. Living from the place of our heart's passions and gifts will bless others. And bless our own spirit. 

I yearn to humbly inspire and encourage.

What awakens your spirit?

Perspective

During a conversation with a friend earlier today, my friend commented on how (through good ol' Facebook) she has admired how I seem able to manage my three boys and, at the same time, have such sweet moments with them. 
(Even as this friend knows the load of being a fellow momma to the young and needy of care, even as she knows the burdens and concerns built into everyday life: Finances, Never-Ending Workload, Desire for Refreshment, Search for Purpose.)

My spirit soared to hear such words spoken by my friend, yet it was not a prideful soaring. 
More honestly, her words affirmed deep in my soul how much my perspective has continued to be molded and formed. How it has changed into something more beautiful. 
And not because of ME. 
But because of the wrenching lessons borne from the struggles in my life. 

I've been reflecting throughout this day about what has taken place within me. 
Me, who has fought the ongoing burden of depression throughout many seasons of my life.   

Days where...
-I strained for the energy to get out of bed in the mornings. (Even when acknowledging the gifts in my life and wondering the reasons for such despair.) 
-Time and time again I would catch myself staring off into space, blankly swimming through a tangle of discouragement. (Even as life- even as my sweet children- continued moving on around me.)
-During a time in college, my mom called me every 15 minutes to check on me and offer her soothing words of love and encouragement. (Tears come to my eyes as I write this, even all these years later. VIVID is this struggle.)

I believe this struggle that I've continued to FIGHT HARD against is at the core of who I am and upon where my perspective is based... 

After countless times of being low, I have been in a desperate fight against any returning to low spots. 
It is a BATTLE. 
And these are my weapons that have become my way of life: 

-Gratitude. For the tiniest gifts.

-Believing in a bigger purpose, with hope. (HOPE.)

-Faith in God's promises: That I am never alone in my struggle. That healing, perfect days are coming.

-Living IN THE MOMENT. (Searching for and drawing out every bit of joy possible from within the ordinary.)

-Gratitude. Again gratitude.

(My ongoing fight against any returns to the pit of depression has included finding a right medical solution to maintain a healthy balance, and has also required an enormous perspective change.)

Feelings of guilt? 

Turn it over to Christ. 

(I am a woman full of failures, but I have a Creator who has changed my future.)

Feelings of insignificance? Weakness? Uncertain purpose?

Remember I am loved by the One who made me. Remembering He has a design for my life. (And your life.)

Regrets? 

I choose to not even go there. 

("It is what it is" has become my manta that has worked to wash away the fruitless path I once took in looking back at past regrets. For some reason, those words have healing power. Move forward.)

Discontentment? Comparison?

GRATITUDE. Gratitude. GRATITUDE. 

(The honest message given in Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" has not ceased to change my life, my days, my moments.) 

Here are some words from God's Word that are hidden deep within me, ready to be pulled out at moment's notice: (May they encourage you as well.)

Yet He knows the way I have taken;

when He has tested me, 

I will emerge as pure gold.

Job 23:10

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” 

Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. 

So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, 

because we know that affliction produces endurance, 

endurance produces proven character, 

and proven character produces hope. 

This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

On those days of struggling to get out of bed and start the day... 

What got me moving? 

Recognizing the simple pleasure of imagining a steaming cup of coffee alongside some quiet moments to read or journal before others awaken and the house explodes with activity and needs.

Recognizing that the bloom of JOY within me that grew from that simplest part of daily life eventually GREW into savoring the precious pleasures throughout the minutes of life, especially with my children. 

THIS is what has truly changed within me: the perspective of choosing to see the beauty in the ordinary. And seeing it all as a gift.

That is why (on Facebook, for instance) I choose to share warm moments of joy or sweetness or humor or significance... because my soul has such a deep appreciation for recognizing those bits of life. And I cannot help but share those moments with you. Because finding such moments of rest for my soul is absolutely significant and powerful to me.

So it is not as though life is constantly warm and trouble-free, as we can sometimes imagine others have attained in this Facebook world of ours. But. But it is the important stuff. It is what makes my spirit rejoice and long to share.

May you search and recognize the beauty in your ordinary.

Blessings.