Dear Bride Girl

10 years ago at this very hour, I had walked down the aisle and met my just-about-to-be husband in front of our pastor, parents at our sides.

The beauty of a wedding day: 

Every single minute counted. Long anticipated and planned. Nerves and energy buzzed within, yet I also wanted my heart quiet and focused. 

So in time of need, before walking down that aisle to become a wife, I brought out my "sidekick": my journal. Even for a half a minute, I wanted to spell out my thoughts in the best way I can. To aid in my memory process: because once written out, my heart can be documented forever. 

I'm not sure where that particular journal is this afternoon, but I know it's saved in a box, in the basement. (Since I willingly admit that letters and writings are something I.cannot.part.with!)

I do wonder though, what my 10 years ago self would think of my 10 years in the future self. 

Let's say my past self learned what current me is up to, what life looks like:

• Living in Iowa. Purchased a house.
• Worked as a counselor. Now staying home with children.
• Given birth to 3 babies. THREE boys. All now kindergarten and under.

What a dream. 

The basic longings I hoped for as a single girl have "come true": 

• Companionship in marriage.
• Raising small children. 
• Arranging a life at home. 

And now, let's get into the nitty-gritty.

The worn and the beautiful?

In ways I could never have imagined, marriage has shaped me, changed me in subtle ways, yet made me more bold in who I am.

The trials in life could have torn us apart, but instead (through molding, through fire) shaped us into a new fit and drew us tight.

Oh, how our marriage has grown stronger as a result of the hard times. More solid. A team. (Don't.Cross.Us. Right?!)

The respect I have for my hard-working husband is so very high, growing with each passing year. 
The love I have for him continues to grow and deepen. (And this has only been 10 years... what about coming years? I can only imagine! This gets my heart aflutter. Even practical ol' me!)

The good times, then? They are very good. Daily appreciated.

This is the good.

Then there are the unexpected, less glorious changes within that 10 years ago bride.

What would the younger me think of my obsession with order? Did that desire cross my mind back then? Did I just not recognize the desire in me for control, for unattainable perfection in surroundings? I don't think I was so stressed with tasks. So impatient. Maybe because there was less that was out of my control, in not having children around. Somehow, it just didn't concern me so much. But now?

And how I longed for the time of having children, to become "Mommy".

And now that I have, I continue to need strength in embracing that role. The need is so constant. So daily. Every day demands strength and perseverance anew.

Do I want to go back to the years of no one really needing me? No, not really. It has just grown complicated: when reality broke into the companionship of a husband and wife. The reality of fighting for "just us" time, let alone "me" time.

Yet. 
(There's my favorite word again!)

There is such beauty in sacrificing for another. In living beyond your own self.

"Sacrifice is Love with clothes on. Love is Sacrifice with clothes on." 

(Chip Ingram)

And oh. How God has become more real, more everyday present in my life these 10 years later. 

My relationship with Him has grown as a result of need, of desire, of gratitude. 

Recognizing that He truly is sufficient when circumstances hurt, when needs overwhelm.

Abiding near to Him is what builds my trust in Him; my confidence that, "come what may", I need not be troubled, because He cares for me. 

(We need not be troubled, because He cares for us.)

Contentment grows in this perspective. And it remains as solid as can be, this side of Heaven.

So, 10 years ago self?

Life will be much more challenging than you could ever anticipate.

But. 

Life will be so much sweeter than you could imagine.

Perseverance. Dedication. Sufficiency outside yourself. Humility when often getting it wrong. Love. Gratitude.

^"Above all, put on love- the perfect bond of unity. 

And let the peace of the Messiah... control your hearts. Be thankful. 

Let the message about the Messiah dwell richly among you... with gratitude in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or in deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."

(Colossians 3:14-17) 

For us? 

We try to keep the basics the basics, our values as the foundation. 

We try to remember that in the expected-busyness of life, the American Dream is not the reality we long for. Life is much bigger than this. (Yet, our own lives are much smaller than this life. There is a coming eternity, filled with all hope, as followers of Him.)

We try. We fail. We are no experts. But we keep going. One step at a time. Right??

As is inscribed on the inside of both of our wedding bands: 

"Now to Him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think, according to the power that works in us- to Him be the glory." 

(Ephesians 3:20-21)

Blessings as always,

Elizabeth

Path 1 or Path 2

It is one of those tapes that can turn "on" at unexpected times.

The playlist with that too-familiar message that repeats in your mind, that snatches the wind from your sails, leaving you stranded and stuck.

Mine?

"Others are doing what you wish you could."

"I already need to be at the pinnacle of my journey."

Not quite jealousy. Not quite coveting. 
More like wanting more, desiring that dream that has not yet (or may not ever) come into focus.

As the writer of this blog, my heart and vision is for you as the reader to be encouraged and inspired and spurred on in your journey as a result of the words and images and  subjects and lessons of my everyday.

• Others, MANY others out there (same age as me, similar life circumstances as me) are also writing and sharing through their own blogs. Inspiring, convicting, captivating. Hundreds, thousands follow their words.
• Others more write books, to share their hearts at a larger level. Hundreds, thousands read their written thoughts.

Me? 

My vision I just wrote about? 

How I long for more and more people to read and grow from God's leading and in my life. Oh, how beautiful it would be to have the scale of impact of those fellow writers, those sisters in faith. 

I think about this often...

Are my desires prideful and self-seeking? 

(Wanting a known name, wanting to be responsible for impacting such audiences.)

OR 

Are they more "acceptable" desires? 

(Simply wanting to be used by God in greater, far-spanning realms.)

This is where my mind can go different directions. 

And this is where I need to tread carefully.

And to ask myself: 

What am I seeking? 

Path 1: The approval of others (in this case, shown by blog-reader-numbers or positive feedback shared from you).

OR 

Path 2: Is following God's prompting and leading enough, just knowing I'm following His plans, however grand or small?

Phew.

Path 1 is so reliant on circumstances and so prone to ups-and-downs (like a large number of readers means success, and a low number means I somehow failed?)

Path 2 is the path of beauty and peace. Personal growth, deeper dependence and attention away from selfish desires, temporary fulfillment. 

Oh, is it hard. To turn away from Path 1, the path of self-focus, of personal satisfaction. But when you turn away from that first path, Path 2 offers fresh air, pressure off your shoulders. A break from the self-recrimination. And instead a chance for striving for a different kind of glory, purpose.

How can we view our passing days as okay to be a work-in-progress.

Instead of clinging to the belief that all must be right, be completed now. To already have reached the place I want to be, to have met those goals, to be fully there.

Now what in the world do I base this expectation on?

Does truth tell us that life is going to be perfect now? (For that matter, will life here on earth be perfect ever? Hmm.) 

Yet, whether from culture's messages or our own desires for comfort and achievement and gratification, 

I have fallen into the temptation of believing that it is possible, expected even, that we should reach that beautiful perfection and meet those goals now.

Focus is on discontentment.

Focus is on comparison.

Focus is on what is lacking and unachievable.

Focus is on what is seen.

Focus is on SELF.

That is the *lovely* Path 1.

Somehow it takes such effort to turn your back from heading down that path. 

It requires complete determination and perspective shifting to turn your mind and heart to face a new road, to face Path 2. 

What of Path 2? 

• Believing the "simple" and foundational truth that you and I are made in God's image, that He loves us, that He has a plan for the purpose of our lives, distinct and personal, unique and necessary, distinguished from any other person He has created. 
• That He offers true, lasting satisfaction. In Him. 
• Pure and immovable acceptance. Not based on achievement or applause.
• We can feel mistake-ladden, and He will not love us less. 
• We can feel like we're doing great, and He will not love us more. 

Wow. 

Like the beloved story, Sidney and Norman by Phil Vischer, my heart relates so closely to the character of Sidney. Who struggles to accomplish even the mundane of life, and wonders how things can come so easily to others. Who gets down on himself and feels less-than and clumsy. Yet, who learns a tremendous lesson of God's love for him. Unconditional. Guaranteed. Always.

Our task? 
To remember.

To remember God's love and trust in His design and His ways for our lives.
To remember where to turn for those accolades, or if those accolades are even necessary. God's loving presence can be enough. More than enough.
To remember what it's all about. 
So that we can turn away from our big, self-satisfying dreams. And to turn instead toward the grander, yet the *smaller*... What truly matters, even if feeling unseen, under appreciated, unfinished.

Like this newly-cherished story, "The Tallest of Smalls" by Max Lucado... 

"And there Ollie sat. He might not have moved, might have sat there and cried, 

except for the touch he felt on his side. 

So gentle and caring, that he looked up to see Jesus smile down and say, 
"Ollie, come walk with me. 

Keep your feet on the ground, refuse to be stilted; 

chose low over high; leave the system tip-tilted."

So, along this journey of ours:
those desires of ours... 
those dreams we're waiting on...
those unmet expectations...
those times we feel left in the dust of other's achievements...
Even if this blog never reaches the wider audience I could dream of...

Let's just remember we are works-in-progress.
And smile. Even if it's hard. 
Because we. are. loved.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

You'd Better Believe It

Oh, you'd better believe it...

What words would complete this for you? Fill-in-the-blank.

I'm so curious. A wink may accompany your thought.
or could there be a heart-truth from deep within?

I have both, too...

Case #1:
Our littlest one took an early nap today, and a solitary nap at that. (Meaning that by the dinner hour, his fussy/hysteric demand to be carried was overwhelming.)
Groceries were unloaded, holding him.
Dishwasher was unloaded, holding him.
Dinner was prepared, holding him.
Gritting teeth, but feeling empathetic toward the weary boy, my neck ached. My nurturing side traded off with my foul side, back and forth.
Dinner cleanup, more fussiness.
Bath time needed, more screaming.
Older brothers then wanted baths. Busy busy. Noise. Splashes. Music. Energy.
Husband carried our baby away from the sounds and rocked slowly in that pale blue boys' room. When bath time was over and the noisy boys were dressed, teeth brushed, ready for stories, I found a sight: Littlest one nestled into his daddy's shoulder, eyes closed, blanket covered, calm all over his face.
My brow furrowed. Eye contact with my husband. I nodded abrupt and held out my arms. After a questioning look of "really?" our slumbering baby transferred into this momma's seeking hands. It had been a rough 2 hours of crying and needs. And when my arms had finally become free... The sight of that sleeping one was too much. My arms full once again, my breathing slowed and rested easy.
You'd better believe it.

Takeaway lesson: When the meeting of another's needs meets your own needs.

Case #2:
A drive in the country on a spring day after a morning away with the 2 youngest. One snoozing, the other staring peacefully out his window. "Should we turn right and go home, or turn left and keep driving?" I ask the awake one.
Jump ahead minutes...
New path, new road, new views. Peaceful, inspirational Josh Groban playing. I pondered what we could do to bless someone today?
Suddenly.
Slippery mud + Confidence misplaced + Mistake made = Stuck. 
Wheels spinning, twisting steering wheel, gas peddle down. No go.
Desperate call made to a friend. Cell phone battery notification flashing: low battery.
(You'd.better.believe.it.)
Away from my control, connections were made and a rescue was in progress.
Silver truck in the rear view mirror, sliding its own path down toward the stranded van.
Baby awoke. Screaming. Music off.
Both boys unstrapped, monkeys climbing inside. Asking to listen to Elmo. Needing to use the restroom.
My heart thumping fierce. Hands shaking without control.
Oh, the emotions and flooding of thoughts: Self-blasting. Shame. Regret. Anxiety. Indebtedness. Searching for any grander purpose for the circumstances.

Eventually, rescue was accomplished. A smile of relief. Hands still quivering. Shaking my head, looking down. 3 selfless, serving men saved the 3 helpless, needy ones. No payment taken, just the warmth of community and care. Love in action.
You'd better believe it.

Takeaway lesson: When the one who wants to bless instead becomes the one who needs the blessing... I cannot do this life on my own. 

Needing others... not being completely self-sufficient. (Not even close!)

The beauty seeker in me dislikes the rushed, clumsy, hasty side of me. 

Yet what can this discord create within?

Hope for humility and likelihood to be molded, shaped.

"We are the clay, and You are our Potter, 

and we all are the work of Your hand."

(Isaiah 64:8)

"It is not a question of our equipment, but of our poverty; 

not of what we bring with us, but of what God puts into us."

(Oswald Chambers)

"Undistracted by our giftings, we can focus upon our character. 

In the absence of anything to measure, 
we are left with nothing to start at except our foundation. 
Risking inspection, we begin to examine the motivations that support our deeds, 

the attitudes that influence our words, 
the dead wood otherwise hidden beneath our busyness. 

Then a life-changing transition occurs as we move from 

resistance through repentance to the place of rest. 

With gratitude, we simply abide."

(Alicia Britt Chole)

See these remnants of mud markings on the tire? 
Humility and love.

(You'd better believe it.)

You'd better believe it:

At the end of a day, a hot cup of decaf coffee. A journal, a book, a letter. In the quiet. That's it. (Keep it simple, all.)

You'd better believe it: 

I often wish life I could live in dear Franklin's world... 

 simple, sweet, manageable and pure.

Blessings on your believe-it moments,

Elizabeth