Last Day.

This is it.

The last day of the school year!

The freedom of weeks to come...

Bits of happiest anticipation. 

Accompanied by crazed apprehension.

Yep.

Regardless of our circumstances, of our heart's overflow: 

Whether ready or not, here we go!

Summer season is here.

How do I let this apprehension subside and the joy overflow?

Part of me has been in a state of realistic anxiety at the coming changes in the daily dynamics of our home, with the full-time 
re-integration of our

energetic,

always-moving,

often loud,
one-step-ahead,

extroverted,
the one, the only: Z.

The mood at home with the younger 2 is so very mellow. 

Most days, these boys play independently and don’t fight. 

They have rest times and their personalities are distinctive, but fit together. Overall, days are peaceful and fun.

When the 3 brothers are together…

The personality pieces don't often fit nicely together when in the combination of 3.

Noise.

Chaos.

Mess.

Bickering.
Wrestling.
Battles.

Laughter.

Creativity explosion.

Imagination arguments.

Quietly playing. Sometimes.

Reading side by side. Sometimes. 

(Oh, those cherished *Sometimes*!)

So. How do I let my apprehension subside and my joy overflow?

Well, I'll start from here: 

Here is what I am very, very much looking forward to in these next 3 months:

1) Personal growth
My own process of daily moving through these hours.
The visible and the eternal: 

This is the visible. 

The craziness that overwhelms. 

The mess. The mistakes. The moments we want to quit. Or at least, scream.

We are tempted "to trade the eternal for the visible, 

which is something (we are) still invited to do every day."

(Alicia Britt Chole)

There is that eternal that we must remember: that the visible is a sign of the season we're in, but the bigger picture reigns... 

Those eventual-adults we're raising.

This is the eternal.

The lessons I'm learning:

"It's hard to stumble when you're on your knees."

(A favorite quote, from the home of my friend, Jenny B.)

I wrote a blog earlier this year, and thankfully, God has been using it to remind me of a most important idea:

When I am on my knees to pick up those daily messes?!

Instead of grumbling...

Instead of inner anger... 

PRAY. Just pray. 

Pray for those little ones. 

Who need me. Who are not-yet grown. 

Who honestly sometimes feel like burdens instead of gifts.

Who are living their childhood years right now. 

Who are learning what is important, what really matters... 

Pray. 

NOT perfection. 

NOT those nasty expectations we chase after and fail to meet.
NOT living on those often guilt-ridden ideas that 
"oh, one day I'll miss this" or "things will just get harder in coming years", 
but instead living on the fact that God has given us today, and we can give our best for His glory, not our own. He provides the strength we need, 
and He cares for our little ones AND us, alike. 
 "We remind ourselves that honoring God's ways and living for man's awe are mutually incompatible goals. Then we anchor ourselves in God's Word and reposition our it-is-not-enough feelings behind God's it-is-enough truth." 
(Alicia Britt Chole)

"Her submission to the season is her saving strength."

(Alicia Britt Chole)

2) Growing family closeness

Time. 

Together. 

Tick tock tick tock. 

Time continues. 

The beautiful moments and the ugly. For better or worse.

But regardless, we are together. Side by side. 

There are no other kiddos I'd rather walk alongside than the ones God has graciously given us. 

"Intimacy has no other way. 
Without time, without attention, 
without listening, without touch, we can call it what we like, 
but it is not intimacy."

(Alicia Britt Chole)

3) Rebuilding that foundation

The foundation we began building from day one of our newborns' lives. 

That foundation we gradually but steadily hammer and nail each day, each week, each year. 

Until that day where we first send them off into "the world." 

Whether daycare or school, we open up our hands and gently let them leave, walking away from our familiar presence and "control."

• We trust our childcare providers and teachers and schools the best we can, yet there still remains that uncertain mystery of what our children encounter and are faced with each hour they are away. 
• The groans and sighs we often hear ourselves release when our children come home and tell us a story of their day, of what so-and-so said, what so-and-so did. 
• Those dreaded not-allowed-at-home phrases and words our children surprise us with... (Some days we want to pull our hair out!)
• Questioning our choices. What choices are out there?! 
• We have to trust that our children have had that foundation of home life we have faithfully and imperfectly laid for our young ones. Trust and pray! (AND be excited about the potential of influence our children have around their peers. What possibility!)

And now, this summer, we all can fall back on and dig our hands back into our foundations once again:

Our own personal values. 

Our own personal preferences. 

Our own personal beliefs. 

Our own personal routine. 

Our own personal vision and goal for our children, our family.

Thank you notes:

We are thankful for the teachers. 

We are thankful for the school. 

We are thankful for our carpool.

We are thankful for our son's friendships. 

We are thankful for that routine. 

We are thankful for all he has learned: 

for the challenges, for the successes, for the growth, for the accomplishments. 
We are so very thankful.

And now, here we are. 

The end of the season of those days spent apart.

Now they will be home.

(24/7, in this momma's case!)

Deep breath. 

Here we go!

Blessings on your summer days,

Elizabeth

This last morning carpool, watching and praying as our boy is on his way around the corner and off to another day of learning, growing, interacting, connecting, making his own choices...

P.S. This list below is posted on our downstairs bathroom door (my own personal wall of inspiration!)

And for some fun reading-and-inspiration, this fellow momma blogger, Renee Robinson, wrote this list and both challenges and motivates: And to "live so intentionally full each day..."

Summer To-Expect List

Expect exhaustion - but anticipate falling asleep knowing I gave everything I had to give.  Summer will require me to work a bit harder, and I will work as if I’m working for the Lord, knowing that while I’m serving my peeps, I’m serving Him.
Expect the grocery bill to double- and expect to feed their little souls while I fill their bellies.
Expect to trip over army men and step on blocks - and hold tight to the memories of the days when imaginations could create anything they wanted.  When life didn’t step on the air hose of their imagination.
Expect to get nothing accomplished - but know that a day will come when I will have time to get everything done.  And I will miss these days.  Remember that my greatest accomplishment in a day might just be to remind them they are loved and cherished.  
Expect to have little or no quiet and time to myself- and love that they are healthy enough to make noise. Learn to celebrate the life in them- noise, mess, and all.  Be grateful that they want to be near me rather than annoyed that they won’t leave my side.  When I feel like saying, please get out from underneath my feet, may I bite my tongue and say instead “I love having you near me.”
Expect to feel as if I’m preparing meals, cleaning, preparing meals and cleaning - and remember who I am truly serving when I serve them.  
Expect to break up fights and wonder where I’ve gone wrong - and be thankful for opportunities to train in conflict resolution.
Expect the volume to be uncomfortable - and plan to hold my tongue until I escape outside for some fresh air.
Expect them to complain and grumble - and look for opportunities to cultivate thanksgiving in their hearts.
Expect the days to feel long - and rejoice in the length of days that allows the conversation to go a touch deeper.  Be thankful for the randomness of our conversations because there is ample time to chat.
Expect to fight a losing battle between a clean house and a lived in house - and decide instead to train these boys to be helpers to their wives one day, to let them take ownership with me in keeping house, and releasing my ideas of what a “clean” house actually looks like.
Expect moments of time I will treasure - but be ready to accept they may look drastically different from last year.  Celebrate the change, don’t fight it.
Expect moments of mommy failure - and be ready to seek forgiveness from them and from God.  Most importantly, when I lose it and I’ve asked forgiveness, remember the guilt may try to hang around.  Be quick to kiss it goodbye so it can’t threaten the moments ahead waiting to be claimed and redeemed.
Expect to look at the calendar each day and panic at how quickly fall is approaching - and decide instead to taste, touch, and experience each day to the best of my abilities.  I will decide not to dwell on how quickly time moves and instead thank time for the gift of today and this moment.
Expect to have moments that feel more than I can bear - and learn to be ok with that because it’s just one of the many ways I will experience the presence of God.
This summer I will expect to encounter God throughout my days.  I will expect to experience true joy.  I will expect to live so intentionally full each day that the night before school starts, I will cry my way through the house.  But I will expect those tears to be happy tears, not tears of regrets.   I’m deciding now that I will expect nothing more each day than to love on my family while encountering God moment by moment.  And now you have to hold me to this.

(Source: http://renee-robinson.com/expectations-of-summer/)

I Love A Cop

Dear Cop Wife,

Last night, when my cop worked longer and longer into the night, I had that horrendous vision. Again. That one that ever-so-rarely shakes my whole being. It starts out with those feelings that pendulum-sway between anxiety to annoyance to fear to apprehension to anger to... and on. 

Checking out the window to see if that familiar vehicle has finally pulled into the drive. 

Pacing. 

Taking care of the kids. 

Checking the window.

Absentmindedly picking up the house.

Checking that window again. And again.

Heart through the wringer. 

...Then you see another law enforcement vehicle slowly approaching your home. Are they slowing down to stop? Seriously, it looks like it. I think that car is coming for me. Are they coming to knock on my door? Oh dear Lord. It's actually happening. And you close your eyes until that car indeed does continue on and pass by your house. 

And then you berate yourself. Geez. Get a grip.

But. The fact that the possibility exists makes you shake with every emotion under the sun. My hands sweat and my heart pounds even as I type out these intense emotions.

So, I must tell you, dear fellow one on this rough and bumpy journey:

You are brave. 

You are full of courage. 

You are my hero. 

(And I would give you a big hug if we were sitting face to face.)

You and me, we dove off a cliff that took us into a water that is uncertain, scary, sometimes nauseating, unpredictable, unappreciated, isolating, and always stressful... 

We chose to love that person:

We married a cop.

For me, it has been roughly 12 years of walking alongside my cop. (For others of you, it has been much longer, I know.)

(I highly dislike the word "cop", you know. But, it's going to be the word I use today. Just 'cause it's easier to type than police officer, deputy, sheriff, detective, investigator, law enforcement officer; we're all in this together.)

Anyway, what was once very unfamiliar territory in this career path of our loved one soon becomes old hat. Not that it is any easier to handle. Just more familiar. Not necessarily accepted. 

Just Expected. Understood. Experienced.

Someone recently said, We knew what we signed up for when we married a cop. Yet this doesn't make the struggles easier to swallow. It just reminds us that the commitment we made to our cops must remain rock solid, no matter the stresses that accompany our loved one's job. 

The divorce rate among law enforcement couples is said to be 70-80%. This shows me just one thing: I'm going to fight like mad to make this percentage not be true of me or those I come across. Team. We are a team.

I remember back in the dating years when my love first became that cop. He worked the third shift. I went to bed with the phone by my pillow. Awaiting a call to tell me something had happened. Until I found out that, if something did happen, an officer would come to the door, not give me a call. No more listening for that call, but that didn't make the pit in my stomach get any smaller.

Sometimes I feel pale at the thought that, every single day, my cop has to strap that vest under his uniform. That this is part of the deal. And to listen to that oh-so familiar routine of snapping gear onto the buckle, testing out that taser, loading that weapon. Part of that deal. Makes me bubble with pride at this man of mine, but sometimes makes me quiver deep within that this is part of the package for this cop I love. I hate the gear that is necessary: Until I turn over my cop's safety and well-being to the God who carries him (and me) in His hands. 

I want our home to be a place of refuge and peace. A place of calm and safety. (My gift to my cop.)

I used to worry about the state of our home, once we had children. Worrying about the mess upsetting my attempts to maintain a state of order and peace. Until my cop told me if only... if only I could ever visit some of the houses he's been to, searched through, spent time in. If only I knew what some people are daily faced with... then I would relax more. And let go of the *perfect* gift I expect to give him.

It strikes us often, how different our days play out. 

Mine? Filled with preschoolers and little ones. Vying for my attention. Seeking my responses to every move. Needing. Fussing. Messy. But safe. Somewhat predictable. Home. 

His? Oh my, how different. Needed, but in such a different and unpredictable and sometimes scary way. Out and about. Entering the unknown, the unsafe, the threatening.

And yet we both join together at the end of the day, in our shared setting. The same home. But with vastly different experiences of our day. I often expect my cop to be mentally at the same point mentally where I am. But we have to find our own ways to integrate our days into our family unit. It's sometimes easier to keep quiet, to keep our burdens to ourselves: How does my day of changing nasty diapers and constantly picking up toys compare to his being threatened by an angry stranger? (But, we are a team. So we must keep talking.)

Wondering, always wondering:

• How will this job change the person I love?
• How will his job change the way people in our community look at us?
• How will I handle the reactions shown to me when people find out I'm "that cop's wife"? 
• How will I respond to those who are antagonistic toward my man simply because of his profession?
• How will our children react when others are critical about their daddy because of his job?
• How will I keep a balance in how I view his job's impact on our lives?
• How do we not become cynical? 

Parts of that job description:

1. Maintaining order and safety
2. Preventing and detecting crime
3. Enforcing laws
4. Holding others accountable for their action

(This is the kicker; This is the part none of us "like" having to deal with a law enforcement officer; This is the reason for such potential of dislike toward officers = putting the officer as the *middle man* to shoulder the intense feelings of our being held accountable for our mistakes/wrongs. Sigh. Part of the reality.)

What is there to appreciate about this role of ours?

• We are creative: How else would holidays get celebrated when days off are so crazy?!
• We see the surprising beauty: The benefits of Tuesdays sometimes being our "Saturday." (The malls are less chaotic!)
• We are realistic optimists. Well, maybe not all of us, but I am. In order to survive. Cynicism reigns, I know! This world is full of the most horrendous crap and filth and yuck and nastiness and disgusting and unimaginable evil. But how can we survive the realism of what our cops see, if we do not somehow push through the despair and look for the hope and potential? At least on a small scale? 
• We see the big picture: our cops have an honorable job. To protect. To serve. Sacrifice is included. Much, much sacrifice. Time. Innocence. Energy. Safety. Peace. Anonymity. Life. For a not-so-high financial benefit. The work is sacrifice. To give more than is received. 
• Our beloved's smile wrinkles and salt-and-pepper hair: they come quicker than expected. And it makes our tough one look better. Richer. Mature. Intelligent. Experienced. My cop looks more appealing to me now than those 12 years ago when he first entered this world.
• Laughter is so very powerful and appreciated after the work stress and secret tears that can be so strong.
• Seeing the unacknowledged, hidden parts of the job: the parts no one else learns of or hears about. And to swell with humble pride (yes, those words can go together, I believe!) at the dedication and determination and grit necessary for our loved one to accomplish their work. 

Beauty and Richness can grow from the relationship with our cops:

We are permanently, loyally tied to that person who chooses to help others, chooses to rescue those in dire need, chooses to sacrifice so very much of themselves in the name of their profession. 

So, dear one:

Keep up your courage. Keep up your faith. Keep showing that love to your cop. Keep 'em talking. Keep 'em smiling. Keep being the loudest in their cheering section. Keep a tight grasp on the main stuff: the stuff that truly matters, Keep holding their hand tight, at the end of the day.

It is a calling. (And not for the faint of heart!)

Blessings always,

Elizabeth

Daily.

"Life is just so DAILY." 

(Mary Engelbreit)

What is one of those daily feelings that often rushes to the forefront of your mind? 

For me it would be irritability. 

(Definition of Irritability: quick excitability to annoyance, impatience, or anger.)

Sounds true to the real, daily me.

(Antonyms to Irritability: forbearance. long-suffering. patience. tolerance. understanding. amiability. good-humoredness. good-temperedness. serenity. tranquility. gentleness. kindliness. mildness.)

Hmm. 

How I would long for those words instead to dominate my thoughts!

But in the present, when stress or pressure hits? 
Irritability seems to be the most honest description.

By myself, I can feel peaceful, put together. 
But add in the persistent nagging or repetitiveness or time crunch of life, and my demeanor automatically switches to the angry, impatient, annoyed. (Sound lovely and attractive to you?!) 
What are your "defaults" when the calm has flown out the window? 
Sometimes the ugly feelings can rapidly turn into resentment or deep discouragement that those very feelings define me. 
This daily repetition can overwhelm us with the sameness of it all...

How can we push through the sea of routine looming in our future?

"And the meals she always had to keep figuring out, and the laundry that toppled over, and the floors that kept growing mess. 
The way her mind and heart would wander, crumble at the edges, 
and she would reach for steadying in her Maker. 
The way she'd get lost- and remember to breathe... 

A calling, that which keeps calling you and you never stop listening for, that is what a calling is, 
the way He keeps speaking, 'This is the way, walk in it'... 

One always gets to decide what is mindless work 
and what is soulful work. 
She would decide. She decided for art, to make her life art. 
She would make it all art- it all would be art, worship, a gift back. 
It all would be preach Gospel... 

Just keep the focus simply on Christ- Walk Forward. 
Keep company with Christ. Love always. Bend low."

(Ann Voskamp)

In the midst of the day to day routine:
God's promises can be our ANCHOR. 
"All things hold together in Him" (Colossians 1:17), even when all else falls apart or overwhelms with the daily monotony of the season of life you are wading through. He sustains. 
Phew. Like a breath of fresh air. A solid rock we can lean back on. 
His promises.

Even when WE are faithless, HE is faithful (2 Timothy 2:13). 
Even when we are impatient, easily aggravated, ready to give up and throw in that towel, our Faithful God is never this way. Ever. 
Hard to believe, with all our "filthy rags" we have to offer (Isaiah 64:6).

Somehow the imperfection within ourselves, His children, never sways His love and devotion and presence and our lives. 

...When I look at my three young children, I have an inner, motherly love for them, but not a perfect love. I can focus on their weaknesses that bring stress to me, on the challenges they present to me, on the repetitiveness of the care they require of me. 
However, when the kids are restful, quiet, peacefully sleeping, my personal love bucket overflows. When the pace slows and life stands still for that slight moment, the gift is easily appreciated.

...I wonder what God thinks on us when we are restful in His leading, quiet in His presence, peaceful in Him. When all the striving and imperfection and weakness gets a rest and intimacy with our God is almost tangible... all is well. He must smile. 
Yet that is only a fraction of our lives: The other portions consist of wayward walking and unhelpful worrying and unintended distraction.
But through it all, He is faithful, He loves. Through it all: "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today, and forever." (Hebrews 13:8)

As for our perfect Father? 
"He is our God. The End. Period." (Jessi Oldham)

As for me as a mother? 
I am a momma. Imperfect. But with hope. And grace. The End. Period.



My desire and yearning?
Last week was Mother's Day, and that afternoon I journaled about my continued hopes for my heart's attitude and outlook:

• Living in Sacrifice as a Choice.
• Growing in Selfless Patience.
• Balancing Times of Serving vs. Times of Rest.
• Get Down to Pray.
• Never Cease in Giving Glory.

I am so very far from perfect and so very unlikely to hold these attitudes as a constant, but the desire is stirring...

During our ladies' Sunday school class this morning, these thoughts mulled within me: 

Day after Day after Day, God is faithful to us. 
He was faithful in leading Moses as Moses guided the Israelites through their years of slavery and their years of journeying through the desert... 
Yet, even after all these 'signs', Moses continued to passionately ask for reminders of God's glory. (Exodus 33:18)

We will never "arrive" in our faith. 
We need constant reminders of His faithfulness and His answered prayers: His glory. 

I wonder, is this repetitive questioning for God to show us evidence of His presence presence what He desires for us, or does God grow impatient with our continued request for more sight of Him? 

I am tending to believe that since He did, in fact, design for His creation to have DAILY NEED for His presence, then DAILY we will be drawing near to Him and asking for His provision: Needing the DAILY truth of His  strength and promise. 
Not doubting Him or testing Him, but needing Him dearly. His gifts of grace, mercy, strengthening, endurance, patience, love. On and on.

"Love and grace make life worth living."

(Sheila Walsh, "The Shelter of God's Promises")

So daily sink in your feet deep into His promises. Learn these promises from His Word alongside me. Trust they are true. That they can be your anchor and foundation. Daily.

Remember: "We are travelers in this world (this journey) 

headed back to our true home with God." (that perfect Garden). 

(Sheila Walsh, "The Shelter of God's Promises")

Blessings,

Elizabeth