Slightly Changed Job Description

This morning seemed strange. Very strange.

One child was away at 1st grade.

One child was away at preschool.

One child was with me.

One.

I felt a bit like a foreigner in my own home. 

It was just so quiet.

The child at home was content.

Playing alone. Occasionally bringing me toys. Occasionally coming near for a tight hug. Otherwise, scampering around on his own, gently jabbering to himself. "Cracker." "Mah." "Heheh." And sound effects for his trucks.

I have been home with just one child before...
With our firstborn, though? Um, "high maintenance" is how we best describe his young years.
With our second born, though? Had 3 very pregnant months home alone with him before his baby brother was born. 
With out third born? Feels vastly different.

It's not that I was bored. (I despise that word.) 

I've just felt a bit restless, ever since the firstborn went off to school last week. 

So used to the chaos. So used to the noise and neediness. So used to the commotion. So used to 3 little children going quickly into 3 opposite directions, causing my hairs to turn that silver color.

When there are hours without that "beautiful mess"... it's like a part of my job description changed. Even if only for those school hours, those 5 days of the week.

It feels like time for a re-evaluation. 

• Of how my time is used up each day.
• Of how I could spend that precious time differently? 
• Of this season's needs and purposes.

When I don't have to divide myself between 3?

My eyes.

My hands.

My attention.

My focus.

It's just so different to me.

So what can be different in these quieter days?

Initially, I just wanted to sit close to the littlest one who remains with me. 

Sit still. Squeeze that small treasure of mine. Be slow, be restful.

But I do not want to be sluggish. I want the days to count.

Purpose-filled. 

Then throughout the course of my mostly-independent morning hours, I read a bit. The recommended blog of a stranger's journey. (One that got me challenged.)

Then, somehow, I started to clean. Not the normal "tidying" that I actually enjoy. But the get-down-on-your-knees-and-scrub under the refrigerator, under the stove, under the heavy furniture. (Yep. I suddenly got that crazy motivation!) 

While I scrubbed, I listened to a sermon. I learned. My mind stretched and grew. 

And I am so thankful.

Here are some snippets of what touched me this morning. The themes *surprisingly* tied together so beautifully. 
Which leaves an impression...

(Credit to the originators of these eye-opening thoughts are given at the bottom of these treasured nuggets)

"It Is Better for Children to Learn 

That They Are Not the Center of the Universe

A child’s first word after “mommy” and “daddy” is typically “mine!” Why?

Because we are all by nature selfish.

I would argue that most children go through their day thinking, not what they can give, but about what they can get.

Thus, it is a service to children to expose them to those whose problems are bigger than their own.

And maybe, just maybe, the Lord will use an exposure to suffering to take their eyes off themselves for just a minute and enter into the life and pain of another.

I Have Duties Outside of Being a Parent

I am a Christian first. My first love is not my family, my first love is Jesus Christ and thus I follow not the ever-changing whims and desires of my children, but I follow the eternal desires and commands of my Savior.

So, as a Christian, His priorities become my priorities and I am honored be a small part of his redemption of the World.

These Duties Do Not Contradict 

What I Am Called to as a Parent

I have yet to find a verse that commands me to

make sure my children have a balanced diet,

are involved in extracurricular activities,

and are well socialized.

Now these are wonderful things that I strive for, but I often need to remind myself to not feel guilty for taking something from my children that I was never commanded to give them.

According to the Bible, my success as a parent is measured by my faithfulness to raise my children in the discipline and teaching of the Lord.

But I Can Still Dream Big and Pray Big

…My hope cannot be in what age they begin to read,

their opportunities to play team sports,

or if they have good Christians friends.

Instead my hope needs to be in God who often saves and uses people from less-than-ideal backgrounds.

Thus I am forced to turn my eyes from the opportunities I can or cannot give my children and turn my eyes to God who hears my prayers."

(Stacey Hare, 

http://haretranslation.blogspot.com/2014/07/am-i-horrible-parent-for-moving-my-kids.html?m=1)

"The world's message to you:

They have to have the right clothes. 

Your job as a parent is to make sure they're happy in every way, 

no one ever makes fun of them, 

they never have a bad day. 

And you, if you're a really good parent then, 

they'll be good in athletics, 

they'll get a better education than you, 

they'll be upwardly mobile, 

they'll have great social skills, 

they'll make it financially better off than you, 

so that all their life will turn out 'right.'

And unconsciously we've bought this, hook-line-and-sinker:

that the goal or focus of parenting is to make our kids happy.

But I've got news for you:

That is a dead end street.

God's dream, by contrast, is that he or she be holy. Not happy.

Don't get me wrong, it's not that God doesn't want your children to be happy. 

Here's the deal:

If your focus is to make them happy, 

they probably never will be long-term.

If your focus is to make them holy, 

the by-product of holiness will be a genuine joy.

(Chip Ingram, 

"How to Raise Positive Kids in a Negative World")

"His primary goal for our children is to make them like Christ.”

"So our main responsibility as parents is 

to create an environment where our children 

can grow in their relationship with the Lord.

 Are you focused on your kids being successful or holy? 

God has a dream for your child – 

to live a life characterized by Christ’s holiness." 

(Chip Ingram,

http://livingontheedge.org/read-blog/blog/2014/06/02/god's-primary-goal-for-your-children)

In light of these thoughts mingling in my mind...

A renewed purpose during these few, quieter hours?

• To grab hold of peaceful moments to refresh my own weary spirit. READ. LISTEN to sermon messages and music, etc. 
• And beyond the filling of my own self? PRAY. Praying in ways my own distracted mind usually loses focus in actually diving into...
• To spend long, slow moments looking into my littlest one's deep brown eyes (through those new glasses of his) and smile big and talk with him one-on-one. And play with him and hug him. Adventures at home. And adventures out-and-about.
• To attempt to accomplish short projects around the house while the youngest is busy playing by himself (like today's under-the-fridge-and-stove-nonsense so that when all 3 are home all together? I am freer. Freer with a less-cluttered mind. Freer from the to-do list. Freer to be available without as many interruptions.
• With only 1 child home in the morning hours, not feeling guilty in sending him to a friend who can watch him a bit while I can be available to someone else in a way I wouldn't be with a child by my side. To be available, to give.
• Prioritize once again the time to linger in the reading aloud of stories with the boys. Of creating castles out of cardboard boxes. To listen to their marathon stories of their Lego masterpieces. 
• To brainstorm ways to grow the vision of my own family, in ways we can look outside our own selves and our own unit. To practically love those around us, or across the globe from us.
• To be mindful to preserve energy throughout the day so I have more available to share with my husband. (Instead of crashing full-on onto my pillow when darkness comes!)

"If you don't give yourself room to breathe, 

you won't give God room to move."

(Ann Voskamp)

What ideas do you have for those even-tiny-bit-freer moments of your life?

(I'm still on this beginning/early track of parenting years and staying home with children, and it can be impossible to imagine what the future days will be like when they are less needy and even more independent...)

For now, I'm trying to eek out the sweetness of these years. Yet also trying to have the future vision in the horizon, of remembering the PURPOSE of this all. Of all this hard work and all the sacrifices and and all the transitions and necessities and changes of each season.

"Sometimes He speaks in a still small voice, 

while people speak in a big loud voice. 

We have to make sure we're listening. 

To do that, we need to put our ear to His Word and pray and seek His face." 

(Ann Voskamp)

"When my life is organized around Jesus, 

who is Beautiful, my messy life is organized beautifully." 

(Ann Voskamp)

Blessings in this season,

Elizabeth

P.S. This house has been curiously quiet these past 2 days without the sound of our laundry machines whirring and spinning. With one machine recently out of commission, the laundry piles are adding up, and one day in the (hopefully) near future, the dryer will be back in business and it will be a day filled with folding and folding and folding my dear ones' clothes! Ha.

Blue Jay's Eve

It's the eve of the 1st day of school.

It's as though I feel that the moments of WONDER will stop.

The moments of wonder with my children will cease...

Almost like my time for noticing wonders with them will be gone.

Um.

Not really.

I looked out the window just now.

A gorgeous blue jay was perched on our wooden fence.
I have not seen a blue jay for years.
It felt like a gift.

WONDERS will always be present.

Since writing this, that blue jay appeared again. This time, fighting with another bird in a neighbor's tree.
The absolute beauty of the blue jay, mixed with its often angry, aggressive, protective temperament. 

Reminds me of my boys this morning.
Best of playmates. Sometimes. Bickering over toys. Sometimes.

The boys had their routine 20 minutes to play Wild Kratts on PBS kids online. And you know what animal popped up today? 
A blue jay.

In the span of this short morning 3 images of blue jays flashed in my mind.

A reminder of some kind... 
The beauty and the imperfect. 
The beauty and the aggressive protectiveness.

How much does this describe us, at times?

"The blue jay is noisy, bold and aggressive. 

It is a moderately slow flier when unprovoked.

It may also be aggressive towards humans who come close to its nest."

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blue_jay)

When unprovoked, I can be a "moderately slow flier."

When provoked? When in protective mode? Oooo, better watch out.
(Isn't this how we are wired, how our instincts drive us?)

"Blue jay: This bright blue bird is known for 

the crest on top of its head- and its feisty attitude.

If you ever wonder what the blue jay in your yard is thinking, that crest gives a pretty good clue: 

the higher the crest, 

the higher the jay's level of aggression." 

(Hannah Schardt, http://blog.nwf.org/2011/12/4-real-life-angry-birds/)

"Blue jays are known for their intelligence and complex social systems with tight family bonds."

(http://www.allaboutbirds.org/guide/blue_jay/lifehistory)

So as we send off our kids once again into the world outside the safety and protection of our family's walls...

• Let's be in watchful anticipation of the WONDERS our children and teens will take in. The WONDERS they will discover, and be able to share with us with from their own worldview, their own vantage point.
• Let's be in watchful awareness of what others may bring into our kid's and teen's perspectives. GUARD our young ones' hearts, minds, spirits. Like those blue jays, keep hold of our "tight family bonds" and "be aggressive" in the battle against the ugliness the world may introduce to our young ones. There may be times for us to be blue jays and go from "moderately slow" with our "strength in quiet confidence" (Isaiah 30:15) to showing our "higher level of crest" to guide and protect our children, to lead them through into safe places.
• While we have these precious years to be entrusted in raising our young ones, let's keep this bird-like balance. The balance between allowing for flight and guarding the nest. Hmm.

"Love the Lord your God with all your heart, 

with all your soul, and with all your strength. 

These words I am giving you today are to be in your heart. 

Repeat them to your children. 

Talk about them when you sit in your house 

and when you walk along the road, 

when you lie down and when you get up."

(Deuteronomy 6:5-7)

Luke wanted to pray before dinner last night. He clasped his little hands and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Thank you for my Legos.

Thank you for there being Legos at.my.school.

I didn't know about that."

WONDERS.

During the "slumber party" the older boys attempted last night in their little Toy Story sleeping bags, I was singing "Amazing Grace" softly to Ben as he grew drowsy in my arms. "I once was lost, but now am found..." Zachary looked toward me and had a puzzled tone. "YOU once were lost? What did you do?" I thought it was a spiritual question, so I answered, "Well, I read my Bible, I prayed..." He interrupted me, "You had your Bible with you when you were lost?!"

WONDERS. Stories.

The times of wonder, times of stories with these boys are not over now that summer is closing its doors.

The boys will soon be gone for hours of the day, in a completely different setting than here at home. New people, new influences, new surroundings, new routine.

But instead of me sensing a loss of the enjoyment of wonder-filled moments with them, instead those moments will just be super-condensed. 
They will be bringing home with them the wonder from their school days and building on those memories once they are back in the familiar walls of home.

This fence is perch where the blue jay sat. So fleeting. 
Then it flew away and was gone.

"He has made everything appropriate in its time."

(Ecclesiasties 3:11)

Wasn't it just the end of May, when, instead of goodbyes, my concerns swirled around finding ways to make the summer days pass meaningfully and without strife.
And how would I rate this summer? 
Imperfect, but just right for us. 
Strife, yes. But many memories, for sure. 
Much training, much discipline, much laughter, many hugs.

For some reason, this song is floating around my mind this morning:

"Don't Dream It's Over"

"There's a battle ahead 
many battles are lost.
But you'll never see the end of the road
While you're traveling with me.
Hey now, hey now
Don't dream it's over.
Hey now, hey now
When the world comes in
They come, they come
To build a wall between us
We know they won't win." 
(Neil Finn)

"He surrounded him, cared for him, and protected him as the pupil of His eye.

He watches over His nest like an eagle and hovers over His young; 

He spreads out His wings, catches him, and lifts him up on His pinions. 

The Lord alone led Him... 

He made him ride on the heights... 

He nourished him."

(Deuteronomy 32:10-13)

As a benediction of sorts, here is what we can do as we face the world out there, blue jay/eagle style: 

Blessings,
Elizabeth


P.S. Photo credit for blue jay picture: http://irvingparkgardenclub.files.wordpress.com/2011/01/blue-jay1.jpg

Every 15 Minutes

In light of the news of actor Robin Williams' struggle with severe depression that has led to his saddest death, these middle of the night hours have me awake and finally ready to write a bit...

Here is a scene:
14 years ago.
A college apartment.
In a back bedroom, a girl is curled up under a blanket, making a difficult phone call to her mom, who lived several hours away. 
Murmured honesty about how dark these days were for the girl. The mom, learning how real and unrelenting the depression had become for her daughter.
"I just don't know what to do," the girl told her  mom. "I can't stop feeling this way." 
Thankfully and surprisingly and oh-so-reassuringly, the mom comforted her daughter: "It will be okay. It will. And I am here for you. I will call you back every 15 minutes from now on, honey. So hang in there. It's going to be okay."

Despairing moments in that girl's mind, mostly hidden from those around her, with her trying-to-get-through-the-day smile. But revealed and observed by those closest to that girl. A continual struggle to see the good, to see the hope, to see what the point was of all this struggle.

That girl was me.

2 versions play out in my memory, and only my mom would remember which was true. 
One is that I was uncontrollable in my tears as I shared with her. 
The other is that I was so numbed from the power of the depression that I no longer had the strength or emotion left to cry.

Either way, my mom's words and care have never left me. 
"I will call you every 15 minutes from now on, honey. So hang in there. It's going to be okay." 
I'm not even sure whether my mom knows the significance of her words to me that afternoon.

This long-lingering depression was not always based on circumstances. 
It was more like an underlying current that was sometimes held at bay under peaceful, calm waters, but other times felt (and at times still feels) like an undertow with an almost-unavoidable pull to succumb to the dark and hopeless way of thinking and perceiving. "A stubborn darkness," as a book about depression described it. 

I can hardly describe the reality of living with depression. Such a powerful force that does not want to let go. 

Introspective me. 
Sometimes I am grateful this is how God created me, but sometimes I lower my head at this uphill journey because of this part of me. Even from my recalled youngest years, I have had this part of me that needs the quiet, the alone time, to just think and process. 
This can be good, or this can be bad.

I see my scrapbooks from those hardest days, during the time of that phone call to my mom. When I see even the covers of those albums, my heart tightens and mind is guarded with a certain apprehension as I flip through the pages. Such beautiful, warm, sweet memories with family and friends, but certain memories trigger the remembrance of that battle between darkness and light.

What would I have done without you, dearest family and precious friends? 
I am beyond grateful you stood beside me as I muddled through those challenging days. 
Especially when "it" didn't make sense. 
Especially when I couldn't snap out of "it." 
Especially because it is just plan so hard to be with someone who can't just be happy, can't just be "okay." 
So, thank you. For loving me and not giving up on me. And for trying, in your own ways, to help.

I know that joy can exist in the midst of depression- smiles and genuine laughter can exist alongside such despair. 
(In fact, this is what gets us through the most discouraging inner battles. Amen.)

To make it through, one day at a time?
(And to hopefully be able to MORE than "make it through," but to learn to thrive?!)
*Support is a necessity. 
*Faith is a necessity. 
*Medicine and/or counseling and/or intervention may have a role in the coping of depression.

I think of those who have left this world by suicide. The friend from college days. The dad of a friend since childhood days. The brother of a precious friend. The boy from my growing up years.
I want to name their names, but it is just so personal. But they are not forgotten. Never.

And now, to learn of the death of this famous man, that one with warm eyes and small smile who could bring you to laughter and bring you to tears... 
It can't help but make you remember the struggle. And the loss. And the wish that things could be different, that hurting ones could find relief while living.

To help "be the change" in someone's life?

• We need to slow down enough to be aware:
•   Aware of those who's smile does not reach their eyes.
• And to give that person our minutes, our time, our attention:
•   To share love. To share strength. To share hope.
• We need to be uncluttered and undistracted enough to notice and to reach out beyond ourselves.
• *Not to take on responsibility for another person. (Oh no, do not take on responsibility or guilt or more than your share of someone's burden.)
• But to do our best to share of ourselves: 
•   To comfort, to encourage, to listen, to be available.
• Maybe even be that "every 15 minutes" friend on the phone when necessary?

"We must learn to listen to the cry of the soul."

(Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III)

We can be a person of light in that person's darkness.

Share the Truth. Share about Christ's love and saving power. Share about HIS LIGHT. Share that we must believe and follow Him in order to receive His presence and His gifts. This is a must. And the promises that follow are beyond description...

"I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows Me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life." 

(John 8:12)

"We too may walk in a new way of life."

(Romans 6:46)

Some quotes and questions and ideas to savor and pass on:

"Because of the Bible,

Is suffering less? YES. 

Is weeping less? NO. 

Are there still dark places? YES. But they are SHORTER."

(Lori Evans, sharing about loss and grief)

We all are on a search to be known. All of us. 

If we don't find this, we try to numb the pain and the need. 

The fear is that we feel forgotten.

(Paraphrased from Joni Eareckson Tada, "When God Weeps")

There are 4 questions we all must answer:

1. Where did I come from?

2. Why is there suffering?

3. Is there any hope of relief from this?

4. What is my purpose?

(Chuck Colson)

(To add to this, my dad asks: 

1. Who am I? 

2. Why am I here? 

3. Where am I going?)

"She had seen comfort and felt hope and both she found in Jesus' eyes."

(Sheila Walsh, "The Shelter of God's Promises")

"He hits the light switch in our dark hearts."

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "When God Weeps")

"Life is lived in steps. 

Very Small Steps. 

One day at a time with Christ."

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "When God Weeps")

"I felt so close to Him and not because I'd been godly 

but because I'd just gotten to be raw. 

And it had been okay."

(Beth Moore, http://blog.lproof.org/2014/08/one-slender-streak-of-clarity.html)

"Earth's best is only a dim reflection."

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "Heaven... Your Real Home")

"Heaven is tucked in our spirits."

(Sheila Walsh, "The Shelter of God's Promises")

"God never kills our hope."

(My mom, talking about Romans 15:13)

And one of my most-favoritest song lyrics that reminds me every single day: 

"We go bravely into battle, 

knowing He has won the war."

(Dustin Kensrue)

So now...
Let us remember and honor a fellow one that was on this journey of life, "who has bravely fought depression for years and just can't do it one more day."  (Sheila Walsh, on Robin Williams)

Let us continue to remember and honor those loved ones we have lost on this earth because of depression and mental illness.

And let us be a source of safety and trust and strength and truth for those we love and still have with us who continue their own personal battle against the darkness.
You may never, ever know how much your "every 15 minutes" offer may mean to that one you are worried about...

Blessings on this journey,
Elizabeth