Every 15 Minutes

In light of the news of actor Robin Williams' struggle with severe depression that has led to his saddest death, these middle of the night hours have me awake and finally ready to write a bit...

Here is a scene:
14 years ago.
A college apartment.
In a back bedroom, a girl is curled up under a blanket, making a difficult phone call to her mom, who lived several hours away. 
Murmured honesty about how dark these days were for the girl. The mom, learning how real and unrelenting the depression had become for her daughter.
"I just don't know what to do," the girl told her  mom. "I can't stop feeling this way." 
Thankfully and surprisingly and oh-so-reassuringly, the mom comforted her daughter: "It will be okay. It will. And I am here for you. I will call you back every 15 minutes from now on, honey. So hang in there. It's going to be okay."

Despairing moments in that girl's mind, mostly hidden from those around her, with her trying-to-get-through-the-day smile. But revealed and observed by those closest to that girl. A continual struggle to see the good, to see the hope, to see what the point was of all this struggle.

That girl was me.

2 versions play out in my memory, and only my mom would remember which was true. 
One is that I was uncontrollable in my tears as I shared with her. 
The other is that I was so numbed from the power of the depression that I no longer had the strength or emotion left to cry.

Either way, my mom's words and care have never left me. 
"I will call you every 15 minutes from now on, honey. So hang in there. It's going to be okay." 
I'm not even sure whether my mom knows the significance of her words to me that afternoon.

This long-lingering depression was not always based on circumstances. 
It was more like an underlying current that was sometimes held at bay under peaceful, calm waters, but other times felt (and at times still feels) like an undertow with an almost-unavoidable pull to succumb to the dark and hopeless way of thinking and perceiving. "A stubborn darkness," as a book about depression described it. 

I can hardly describe the reality of living with depression. Such a powerful force that does not want to let go. 

Introspective me. 
Sometimes I am grateful this is how God created me, but sometimes I lower my head at this uphill journey because of this part of me. Even from my recalled youngest years, I have had this part of me that needs the quiet, the alone time, to just think and process. 
This can be good, or this can be bad.

I see my scrapbooks from those hardest days, during the time of that phone call to my mom. When I see even the covers of those albums, my heart tightens and mind is guarded with a certain apprehension as I flip through the pages. Such beautiful, warm, sweet memories with family and friends, but certain memories trigger the remembrance of that battle between darkness and light.

What would I have done without you, dearest family and precious friends? 
I am beyond grateful you stood beside me as I muddled through those challenging days. 
Especially when "it" didn't make sense. 
Especially when I couldn't snap out of "it." 
Especially because it is just plan so hard to be with someone who can't just be happy, can't just be "okay." 
So, thank you. For loving me and not giving up on me. And for trying, in your own ways, to help.

I know that joy can exist in the midst of depression- smiles and genuine laughter can exist alongside such despair. 
(In fact, this is what gets us through the most discouraging inner battles. Amen.)

To make it through, one day at a time?
(And to hopefully be able to MORE than "make it through," but to learn to thrive?!)
*Support is a necessity. 
*Faith is a necessity. 
*Medicine and/or counseling and/or intervention may have a role in the coping of depression.

I think of those who have left this world by suicide. The friend from college days. The dad of a friend since childhood days. The brother of a precious friend. The boy from my growing up years.
I want to name their names, but it is just so personal. But they are not forgotten. Never.

And now, to learn of the death of this famous man, that one with warm eyes and small smile who could bring you to laughter and bring you to tears... 
It can't help but make you remember the struggle. And the loss. And the wish that things could be different, that hurting ones could find relief while living.

To help "be the change" in someone's life?

• We need to slow down enough to be aware:
•   Aware of those who's smile does not reach their eyes.
• And to give that person our minutes, our time, our attention:
•   To share love. To share strength. To share hope.
• We need to be uncluttered and undistracted enough to notice and to reach out beyond ourselves.
• *Not to take on responsibility for another person. (Oh no, do not take on responsibility or guilt or more than your share of someone's burden.)
• But to do our best to share of ourselves: 
•   To comfort, to encourage, to listen, to be available.
• Maybe even be that "every 15 minutes" friend on the phone when necessary?

"We must learn to listen to the cry of the soul."

(Dan Allender & Tremper Longman III)

We can be a person of light in that person's darkness.

Share the Truth. Share about Christ's love and saving power. Share about HIS LIGHT. Share that we must believe and follow Him in order to receive His presence and His gifts. This is a must. And the promises that follow are beyond description...

"I am the light of the world. Anyone who follows Me will never walk in the darkness but will have the light of life." 

(John 8:12)

"We too may walk in a new way of life."

(Romans 6:46)

Some quotes and questions and ideas to savor and pass on:

"Because of the Bible,

Is suffering less? YES. 

Is weeping less? NO. 

Are there still dark places? YES. But they are SHORTER."

(Lori Evans, sharing about loss and grief)

We all are on a search to be known. All of us. 

If we don't find this, we try to numb the pain and the need. 

The fear is that we feel forgotten.

(Paraphrased from Joni Eareckson Tada, "When God Weeps")

There are 4 questions we all must answer:

1. Where did I come from?

2. Why is there suffering?

3. Is there any hope of relief from this?

4. What is my purpose?

(Chuck Colson)

(To add to this, my dad asks: 

1. Who am I? 

2. Why am I here? 

3. Where am I going?)

"She had seen comfort and felt hope and both she found in Jesus' eyes."

(Sheila Walsh, "The Shelter of God's Promises")

"He hits the light switch in our dark hearts."

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "When God Weeps")

"Life is lived in steps. 

Very Small Steps. 

One day at a time with Christ."

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "When God Weeps")

"I felt so close to Him and not because I'd been godly 

but because I'd just gotten to be raw. 

And it had been okay."

(Beth Moore, http://blog.lproof.org/2014/08/one-slender-streak-of-clarity.html)

"Earth's best is only a dim reflection."

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "Heaven... Your Real Home")

"Heaven is tucked in our spirits."

(Sheila Walsh, "The Shelter of God's Promises")

"God never kills our hope."

(My mom, talking about Romans 15:13)

And one of my most-favoritest song lyrics that reminds me every single day: 

"We go bravely into battle, 

knowing He has won the war."

(Dustin Kensrue)

So now...
Let us remember and honor a fellow one that was on this journey of life, "who has bravely fought depression for years and just can't do it one more day."  (Sheila Walsh, on Robin Williams)

Let us continue to remember and honor those loved ones we have lost on this earth because of depression and mental illness.

And let us be a source of safety and trust and strength and truth for those we love and still have with us who continue their own personal battle against the darkness.
You may never, ever know how much your "every 15 minutes" offer may mean to that one you are worried about...

Blessings on this journey,
Elizabeth