Will I Ever Stop Sighing?

Question:
What do a Bath & Body Works' Moonlight Path body spray and a Mr. Goodbar have to do with this particular Sunday in September?

Answer: 
They were pure-and-simple pampering items to distract and provide a relief for my weary, worn spirit. 
A spritz. 
A taste. 
That took place while on the way home from church this morning. 
A church morning where my patience disappeared and my exhaustion overtook my once-peaceful and optimistic self. 

(GRRR. Anyone with me?)

All it took were some wiggly boys. Who were constantly antsy. And distracting. And who pushed their momma to her personal limits. All while in the space confines of a pew bench at church. It even reached the place where I walking the boys out of the church service to give them one of those talks: about "Get this: There is a time for playing. But THIS is not that time!"

After church, I smiled at friends. And I sighed. 
Those deep, "one of those days" sighs. 

The problem?

When was the last day that I didn't sigh in 
weariness?

Um.

This discouraged me.
I want to be positive, I want to be an encourager. I want to be a cheerful person to be around. But those deep sighs do not convey that spirit. At all. 
BUT.
They are real and honest. 

• Mysterious overnight-bug bites that cover my children's faces this morning. 
• The littlest boy who fell asleep during nursery time, meaning there would be no afternoon nap to give this momma a minor break.
• A dear brother-in-law facing big health concerns.
• Other beloved family members in difficult times and experiencing life-altering changes, all across the country and the world.
• My still recovering from a recent medical procedure.
• Our uncertainty in future decisions coming down the road.
• Feeling so very tired and *done* by the end of most days.
• And the news around the world? Hate... Terrorism... Crime... Disasters... Hurts... Greed...

This is real. 
This is honest.
(Life, right?)

And you know what I recalled? As I struggled through my discouragement of these daily sighs? 
That this current world is NOT my forever home. 
Or your forever home.
(If you are a believe and follower of Christ.)
There is an indescribably better forever to come.
That will be filled with love. And empty of the grief and stress and pain and ugly of this world.

"O Lord,
I live here as a fish in a vessel of water, 
only enough to keep me alive,
but in Heaven I shall swim in the ocean. 
Here I have a little air in me to keep me breathing,
but there I shall have sweet and fresh gales;
Here I have a beam of sun to lighten my darkness,
a warm ray to keep me from freezing;
yonder I shall live in light and warmth forever."
(A Puritan Prayer, shared in Joni Eareckson Tada's "Heaven... Your Real Home.)

FIXING my eyes...

"This is how heaven's citizens live while temporarily residing on earth. Heaven tells us every person, place, and thing has a purpose. This is why 'we do not lose heart... we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.' 2 Corinthians 5:16, 18."
(Joni Eareckson Tada, "Heaven... Your Real Home")

My eyes can easily be fixed on the now, on my FEELINGS of the moment.
Instead of fixed on TRUTH. 
Instead of having perseverance. 
Nope. Just fixed on the emotion of the minute.
Or fixed on discouragement that surprises with a depression that was hiding sneakily around the corner. 

Because often what my eyes are fixed on reveals this:

"I spent more time trying to build a levee to protect my house on sand that solidify my house on rock."

(Zach Ahrens, "No Longer the Frozen Chosen" The Bridge of Storm Lake's "The Everyday Divine" newsletter Fall 2014)

But it is essential to remember: 
"What I feel is not true. God's word is true." 
(Beth Moore, "Esther" DVD series)

And when I recognize this and am fixed on this, then these ideas can become real.

"When we trust our lives to the hand AND PEN of an unseen but ever-present God, He will write our lives into His story and every last one of them will turn out to be a great read. With a grand ending. And not just in spite of these catastrophies. Often because of them." 
(Beth Moore, "Esther" workbook)

"The closer we allow ourselves to get to another human, the more clearly we see a real person... Real is beautiful... Something beautiful happens when we get close enough to be vulnerable and then stick around for it... Your heart may feel all exposed, overwhelmed, and shabby from constant use, but real is beautiful. It declares there is hope alive in this world. Most importantly, it mirrors the love of God-in-flesh. It reflects the Love that laid down Himself. His body was broken and marred but always beautiful to us... who choose to believe."

(Anne Dahlhauser, "Velveteen People" The Bridge of Storm Lake's "The Everyday Divine" newsletter Fall 2014)

What is important?

• Realizing that my personal calling of this season, of this life of mine, is caregiving. Is loving and guiding. Specifically mothering my children and in relationships with other ladies and with other girls.
• Remembering that this calling (mine and yours) is not always pretty or always refreshing or always fun or always easy or always satisfying or any-of-those-nice-adjectives.
• Keeping central in my mind and heart that THIS world is temporary: All these circumstances (lovely and heart-wrenching) will not last. Circumstances are here for the moment (even if it turns out being a long moment) but then are gone, are changed.
• Heaven is on the horizon.

"For me, true contentment on earth means asking less of this life because more is coming in the next."

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "Heaven... Your Real Home")

As mysterious as Heaven is to us, Heaven is a promise. 

Of perfection and fulfillment and forever peace. 

Of being our real, true, pure, unhurt and unblemished self.
...Someday.

"This is eternal life: for a man ever to have his capacity filled." 

(Joni Eareckson Tada, "Heaven... Your Real Home")

And in the meantime?

There is much strife and imperfection. Many mistakes and rough days (and years). Much guilt and regret. Missed chances. Great pain. Deep grief.
But there are also moments around the hurt and anger and fear that are beyond-description-sweet. And moments of fulfillment that shine.

These boys I am called to raise are giving me many silver hairs. And wrinkle-lines. And a tight jaw. 
But who am I to expect mothering (and caring) to be easy? And pain-free? 
Loving is not easy, but it is not without rewards. Even while on this earth. But with even more to come... 

If you and I believe God. And if you and I follow His calling. 
To live beyond ourselves.

Here are some encouraging thoughts to leave you with today...

Blessings on this journey to a better place,

Elizabeth

Quarters, Patches & Socks

In my home, there is a child.

A child who is the contrast, the opposite of his momma...

I am slower paced.
He is fast. He zooms.

I have lower energy.
He is energy is off my scale.

I am introspective.
His is a quick thinker.

I like order.
He is curious. He is inquisitive. He is an inventor.

I lack any competitive bone in my body.
He is passionately competitive. 

I am content to sit and watch.
He. Must. Move. (Quickly!)

I am particular. Perfectionist. Methodological.

He is hasty. He is impulsive. He is MESSY. 

(He is also 6 years old.) ;)

Summarized?
I STROLL. NATURALLY.
HE RACES. NATURALLY.

We are just created differently. (Very differently!)
Even as a newborn, I could sense he was wired in way unlike his momma.

¹³ "For it was You who created my inward parts;
You knit me together in my mother’s womb.  I will praise You
because I have been remarkably and wonderfully made.
Your works are wonderful,
and I know this very well.  My bones were not hidden from You
when I was made in secret,
when I was formed in the depths of the earth. 
 Your eyes saw me when I was formless;
all my days were written in Your book and planned before a single one of them began."
Psalm 139:13-16

He is yet a child. 
He needs reigned in. Often.
He needs boundaries. To recognize the "circle of safety."
He needs training. In kindness, in manners, in respect.
He needs guidance. Discipline. 
He requires great patience. And great love.

"Every time you saw me, a smile is what you should have seen first." 

(Ann Voskamp)

Oh, but the things he already offers...

He is a Lego master. He wants to take apart clocks, just 'cause.

I can be President Business. Sometimes. (But sometimes, I'm curious about the insides of clocks, too!)

His understanding of football as a 1st grader is beyond me.

I watch football just to watch people, even after all these years!

His athleticism and coordination doesn't come from me.

His questions about life amaze me.

Connecting the dots. Quickly.

Getting concepts. Quickly.

I tend to carefully navigate through my anxieties.

He seems to move swiftly, in confidence.

How will these parts of our boy change as he grows?

As he experiences life, the lovely and the ugly?

As he encounters pain, disappointment?

What parts of him are already deeply shaped, and which parts are likely moldable?

I want to continue learning how to celebrate this unique individual, aka my son. 

This boy who is so very different from his momma... even as I was the first one to hold him, kiss him, feed him, slumber beside him...

Celebrate his gifts.

Celebrate how God's fingerprints on him will have positive, yet-unimaginable future implications.

To be in wonder and anticipated celebration of how these present difficulties and challenges we are facing as we raise him will SOMEDAY be the foundation of his strength of character and giftings and passions. 

Like tonight?

The hard earned money he gained as a result of last weekend's lemonade stand...

He had begged all day for me to take him to the grocery store. So that he could buy his brothers some toys with his coins.

And he did this. He carefully put in his quarters and picked out what he thought his brothers (and dad and mom) would want the most.

He blessed.

Of his own initiative.

And eye patches?

He is a tender, oh-so-gentle oldest brother to the littlest one.

Every. single. time. that this boy asks me about helping his youngest brother take off his daily eye patch, my heart melts and my attitude softens.

A child's care and love.

A child's initiative.

And this afternoon?

I had one of those momma moments.

The boys and I had stayed home all day. It had (rapidly) grown to be hours of tension for me: constant messes and clutter, loud football tackles, brotherly strife, my meeting 3 peoples' conflicting-and-constant needs. And my desiring peaceful minutes to myself, even if this was futile...

And then. 

I went upstairs for a "break" from the refereeing and repairing. To fold freshly dried, warm laundry. And the first items I picked up were 2 little socks. 

Two. Little. Socks.

And the preciousness of these small, been-used-to-cover-a-son's-growing-feet brought sudden tears to my eyes. Really.

As I held those 2 socks softly in my fingers, my heart was softened and renewed.

The absolute miracle of my life. All the gifts these children bring.

With these gifts? Comes stress and expectations and challenges. Yes. 

But such LIFE.

"How could I forget that the one thing 

that we're always really teaching 

is LOVE." 

(Ann Voskamp)

I love these children. 

And honestly? Some days (many days) it is hard to love all there is about being a momma. Or to even "like" everything about these people in my midst. Especially when those unique personalities are so drastically different from mine... when this brings about battles, outwardly and inwardly. 

But. "Love has to be a choice." 

(Rick Warren)

And. "All of life is a job of strengthening our character and maturing us and going through all we go through."

(Chuck Colson)

And. "It's about being authentic. 

It's about them seeing you grow; you dealing with your stuff." 

(Chip Ingram)

And. "The way God produces the fruit of the Spirit in our lives is 

by allowing us in the exact opposite position. 

Love, in being around unlovely people. 

Joy, in the middle of grief. 

Peace, in the middle of chaos." 

(Rick Warren)

To teach our young ones: 

"This is what God did with me: 

Don't put Him in a box. 

Let Him be as original with YOU as He was with me." 

(Chuck Colson)

May I always remember the contrast between 

PREFERENCES and LOVE 

while I am in this momma role, caring for such distinct, 
God-fingerprinted children...

Now, go get 'em, champs.

Blessings on our unique journeys, dear reader!
Elizabeth