Let me ask, do New Year's Day and your birthday ever cause you inner turmoil?
The beginning, the freshness of a coming year.
And the opportunity to wipe a slate clean and start with something new.
The problem arises when the new so very soon turns into disappointment, repeated failings, same-old imperfections, and smashed expectations.
(Aka: LIFE. Right?)
Here is a story of my continued journey through this messy, messy life. Starting with a birthday. And ending with some hope for those days.
On my birthday eve,
I sat on our loveseat, clean laundry on my lap to fold. When I turned on session one of Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" DVD study. And the wonder of how God works through another's words... The tensions of the day softly fluttered away and my heart and mind found almost sudden peace and sweet contentment. 
I pulled my 2012-started-and-stopped gratitude journal off the shelf and decided it was time to open it up and fill those pages once again.
And it felt so very good. Pure. Joy-filled. Energy-giving. Mood-lifting. And even as I lay in bed, trying to slow down my thoughts, I continued to reopen that journal to scrawl down #381. #382. #383.
And I awoke on my birthday with that same energy and inner joy.
 And I felt accomplished with an easier-than-other-days morning school routine. And I felt thankful for messages throughout the day from loved ones and friends. And I chatted with dear friends at library storytime. And had an AEA home meeting for our littlest one. And a phone call with a bestest friend. And a plastic fake-food cake prepared by the middle one when he suddenly remembered it was my birthday...   Did that evening ever happen. I settled in while the boys played, eager to take notes while re-watching session one of the "One Thousand Gifts" DVD. Beautiful thoughts, beautiful scenes, beautiful inspiration. And then the reality of this beautiful mess. Kept. Hitting. Straight-on. 
Inner anger to what-can-I-be-grateful-for-in-this-moment to silencing the screams to looking longingly back at the TV screen and my journal with that yearning to continue scratching notes on blank pages.  Beautiful mess? I do think so.      
Trying to see the good? Yes.
I will continue.
I cannot stop.
Or worn down hopelessness sets in.
Bless those hearts...
Here are some of those gifts:
My very own Star Wars cake. (Recipe unknown...)
Ben pointing over and over (and over) to the "Happy Birthday" song
on his AEA chart he proudly received this morning.
And a boy, beyond enthusiastic to share his birthday energy
with his wearily-smiling birthday momma.
Oh, my child. Oh. My child. Oh my, child. 
And then.
After yet more messy and ugly and chaotic minutes of
managing and keeping in line and disciplining and feeling ready to throw in that towel...
My hero walked in the door from work.
With the energy to corral the sons and a bouquet of flowers in his arms. And those tears flowed once those arms surrounded my drooped shoulders.  |
These past few weeks have carried in them that too-familiar battle that sometimes creeps in, of depression and darker thoughts that cycle quickly toward that un-joy-filled direction.
Seeing only the lacking, the hurt. Not the lightness and hope.
Seeing only the lacking, the hurt. Not the lightness and hope.
Which is why the message and promises of "One Thousand Gifts" and friends' and family's timely words of encouragement and love-filled challenge are my very own gifts to be thankful for, once again. Reminders.
"My fight for joy and thanksgiving in the midst of every day challenges and some deeper, darker parts of my past. This is me, working that process out.
...journey toward fullness of joy.
...wake to the wonder of the small.
...how you begin to spend your one life well."
(Ann Voskamp, DVD session #1)
"My fight for joy and thanksgiving in the midst of every day challenges and some deeper, darker parts of my past. This is me, working that process out.
...journey toward fullness of joy.
...wake to the wonder of the small.
...how you begin to spend your one life well."
(Ann Voskamp, DVD session #1)
As my dear friend shared her favorite quotes with me (from "Mom's Night Out") this past week, I relearned, once again, that the realities of this life will continue to lay, sprawled out in all of our futures.
But the joy that we can search for and find when we keep these perspectives:
But the joy that we can search for and find when we keep these perspectives:
"No matter how hard I try, no matter how much I give, I'm just not enough." "For who? Not enough for who? Not enough for you."  |
I'm not smiling all the time. But, I am smiling more. Smiling at the little things.
The crazy, stressful, over the top, beautiful life... I'm not perfect. But, I am right where God wants me to be and He has given me everything I need to be a Mom... I'm a mess. But, I'm a beautiful mess. I'm his masterpiece and that's enough."
So the "lesson" of a wearied birthday? Well.
The battle continues. For me and for you. For me, my main fight is inner: The almost-constant introspective thoughts that may not resolve, but can have the potential for deeper growth.  |
"If you want to change the world,
pick up your pen and write."
(Martin Luther)
So here it is. An attempt to share and to change my tiny corner of the world. (With the precious help of The Word and dear Ann Voskamp!) The gem of all gems: "We do not know what to do,
but our eyes are on You."
(2 Chronicles 20:12)
And as a follow-up to that precious verse: "Put your trust in the Lord... Give thanks to the Lord, for His love endures forever." (2 Chronicles 20:21, 22) |
"Where hides this joy of the Lord?
How do I fully live when life is full of hurt?"
"Joy: that's always been the call of the fullest life.
Joy. How elusive that slippery 3 letter word can be."
"...Thanksgiving might make sense of everything."
So?
You look for and notice His graces, the gifts.
You give thanks for those specific gifts.
Joy comes.
"In the naming what is before me, the invisible becomes visible.
The brave who focus on all things good and all things beautiful and all things true, even in the small, who give thanks for it and discover joy, even in the here-and-now, they are the change agents, who bring fullest light to all the world." (Ann Voskamp) In the midst of some challenging circumstances, a friend recently called me "brave." That word has melted this often-weak girl's spirit and given me a new vigor in my perspective of how strength has always been available for me to grab. During the rougher days with legitimate difficulties, or the daily life days where the daily life stresses build up and try to tear down and convince us of our weaknesses.  "When we lay the soil of our hard lives open to the rain of grace and let joy penetrate our cracked and dry places, let joy soak into our broken skin and deep crevices, life grows." (Ann Voskamp) "I have 2nd Chronicles 20'd in the face of those attacks, and I've counted blessings in the heat of the battle and I have focused on thanks. And giving thanks is what keep my eyes on the Lord and He is who saves me." (Ann Voskamp) So: 1. Keep going in the battle: Keep our eyes on God. 2. Take notice of the good. 2. Write down your thankfulness. And finally? 4. Get yourself a theme song. (That's right.) Mine right now? "Planes: Fire & Rescue" Main Title. (Listen: |
Find that song that stirs your spirit with the will to continue on.
For your birthday or New Years or today's date on the calendar. |
And like Ann Voskamp, and yours truly:
When giving thanks throughout the day is the attempted focus, in the very middle of the messy and the tiresome? When actually noticing and recording the gifts of the moment:
"I smile.
I can't believe how I smile."
And that, dear friends and family, is a BIG deal.
Be brave.
Biggest blessings,
Elizabeth
A "One Thousand Gifts" benediction:
"In the silent times,
Seek God.
In the painful times,
Praise God.
In the terrible times,
Trust God.
And at all times,
Thank God."
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