A New View
Last night, we decided to rearrange our bedroom layout. For no special reason; just for a change. As I was moving furniture pieces around and cleaning dusty corners that had been long unseen, an inner dialogue stirred within me.
You see, the last time we had our room arranged this way, some 5 years ago, I carried some difficult memories... Memories of moments struggling daily with what could be considered post-partum depression (on top of my history of struggling with depression; a thorn). These pre-and-post-pregnancy days carried lingering feelings of despair and lost purpose, even in the midst of holding such a beautifully created baby boy in my arms, his bassinet placed next to our bed. Even while savoring the joy of this new life, I fought dark moments where it felt hard to breathe, hard to get out of bed in the morning. When my thoughts were my worst enemy. Through weeks/months of inner struggle, I eventually found sources of relief. Roots of my faith, vulnerability and love in close relationships, effective medicine, and a new outlook.
These memories of desperation and fog leave a never-to-be-forgotten imprint on my spirit, my mind, my heart.
So last night, I had the initial clutch in my gut when I envisioned something as simple as a change in the position of furniture in our bedroom... I remembered those quiet mornings of laying in bed, holding my precious baby, and staring into space while I wondered how I would be able to face the new day. Lots of gazing out the bedroom window, thinking myself into a dull state of hopelessness. I remember days of wintertime, with pristine snow covering clusters of berries on the large tree outside the west window. It was so lovely to look at, yet I felt frozen in such moments.
I have held onto a strong faith in Christ, and it was (and is) discouraging to think that even with His promises of peace and satisfaction, that I could still struggle with such a depressed outlook.
What has changed?
Just a couple little-big things that come to mind:
- 4 books. (Keep on reading!)
- Being honest in my relationships with those who understand my struggle and are faithful in their support and encouragement.
- Leaning heavily on my Jesus. And my husband.
- Taking life 2 days at a time: living in today and briefly glancing into tomorrow. (Nothing beyond, unless it is clearly accompanied with a filter of trusting God's plan for all future cares.)
Through the months and years since, there have been tremendous blessings that have strengthened me so. I want to share these 4 book titles and authors with you, since they have truly brought fresh perspective to my life- and they may do the same for your life. How very thankful I am for these individuals that have impacted this stranger's life. (Bear with me as I have a mini-bookclub moment here...)
 |
First, this book has both softened and strengthened me as I read through this for an entire year, one entry at a time: "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. Reading promises of Jesus' presence taught and filled me with immense inner joy and peace regardless of daily/life circumstances.
|
 |
Next I read a book that has changed me more than any other
(not including the Bible- nothing can ever compare): "One Thousand Gifts" by Ann Voskamp. How can words describe how much this treasure entered into my life and gradually and completely changing my way of thinking and seeing this world... with GRATITUDE for every. thing. For the littlest things. Explore this concept out for yourself; just see how your perspective on gifts and your daily life is transformed, bit by bit. This has touched my soul, and helped me walk through the lifelong journey even beyond fighting depression into savoring bits of each day. Recognizing how gratitude in my being helped the "forced optimist" that I am to be more firmly established in this perspective. That the "every day" of life around us is the miracle. |
 |
This "children's story" is precious to my family: "Sidney and Norman" by Phil Vischer.
I can barely get through reading this book aloud without tearing up or getting a catch in my voice. This taught me much in very few words, about how God views us, imperfections and hard-to-get-out-of-bed-days and all.
|
 |
| I only have one chapter left in this final book on my list of life-changing books here. "Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life" by Emily P. Freeman. The honesty and ability to relate to old truths written in fresh ways has challenged and inspired me. That when I admit my weaknesses ("masks" I hide behind and self-dependence), I am actually in the best place to be- relying on the GRACE of the One who has already accepted me. Grace. Not shame, guilt, performance, perfectionism, fear. But sweet grace and hope. |
So, as I write these words and picture my upstairs bedroom in my mind, that room will continue to hold memories of past struggles, YET also the current perspective I've been adopting:
It has been amazing. This current sweetest of contentment with my youngest babe. Each child of mine has grown my capacity to feel blissfully content and indescribably purpose-filled and driven. Yet...
Sometimes I look back on Zachary's youngest weeks, and I feel pained that his early days were so bittersweet; filled with joy unspeakable, yet also glimpses of despair trying to crowd in and take over.
I am coming to recognize the contrast of letting myself be swept away with anxious thoughts and slippery depression OR the most delicate and priceless all-consuming satisfaction that continues to grow with the lessons I am learning. I am so very far from where I long to be. But each second I can step back and breathe deeply, I am renewed. HOPE.
"The freedom to be found in letting peace rule."
(Emily Freeman)
"As much as I'd prefer the lovely, beauty from ashes tells a more compelling story."
(Emily Freeman)
Beauty from Ashes.
May my humble words encourage your spirit.
Blessings,
Elizabeth
|
No comments:
Post a Comment