Morning prayers
As the vehicle drives away carrying my precious cargo, I walk back toward the white door of our front porch. I take that usual glance back to watch as my son makes his way up the slight hill before following the curve to the left and disappearing out of my sight.
The familiar yet impassioned prayer flows silently from this momma...
I used to simply pray that he would be happy; that he would belong.
That others would like him; that he would be a "good boy."
Somehow through the months of him being away at school those mornings, my prayer changed.
It's been a journey for me...
As I would daily watch that white vehicle make that turn around the corner until out of my view,
I would pray that my son would somehow make a difference in the lives of those people he spends those hours with each day.
That somehow their lives would be impacted for good because of that little boy I once held in my arms as a babe.
That his words, his smile, his treatment of others would somehow shine and make an impression; humbly play a role in the outcome of those lives he shared life with those hours.
That his preschool-aged faith and kindness and empathy would somehow reach out and softly bless.
He is young. I don't have any idea what the result of those daily prayers are yet... YET.
Not expecting anything like perfection. At all.
Just genuineness.
Care.
Respect.
Connection.
Love of others.
Love from Christ to flow out naturally.
That even in the less-than-perfect days for my firstborn... that even then he would focus beyond his own needs. That somehow, someday he will see the bigger picture of his purpose in this huge world around him.
And it's been a struggle for this momma.
Not to pray for my son's happiness.
I know what it's like. To struggle with happiness and have that single-focus of simply desiring that inner feeling of joy and peace and self-contentment. But as the years have gone by and God has gently been showing me, there is a focus that goes much, much further than my own happiness. It's an entirely different perspective.
And my husband and I have faced this truth together.
That our sweet children must walk through (even crawl through) their own set of difficult circumstances in this life.
And that will be the shaping of their minds/hearts/souls/character.
(Just like it's been for you and me, in our years.)
Facing that truth and straining to loosen our white-knuckled grip on attempting to lovingly protect them from facing pain and sadness and discouragement and grief...
KNOWING they are already on a journey, a God-designed journey,
that will take them through struggles and give them consequences for their decisions...
ENDEAVORING with every fiber of our being to recognize that this is life:
the letting go so their lives can become matured and softened-by-hardship,
but keeping close-to-the-heart the AWARENESS that the result can be beautiful and even glorious in their personal impact.
Even the tiniest imprint onto the soul and spirit of another. That one who is walking alongside him for even the briefest of moments.
This is the miracle. The hard-to-swallow focus that has become part of me. The strain to look beyond ourselves and instead train our eyes to look and see the pain around us... and to relate, to love, to connect.
I think of Zach Sobiech, the young man who passed away this week after a struggle with cancer. But, oh, the impact of his life. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9NjKgV65fpo
And I think of the sons of Ed Thomas, the beloved coach who died several years ago in a tragic way. Although it's been a few years, the impact of watching how his sons responded, even in the midst of their own pain, has stuck with me. I clearly remember wanting my sons to have those qualities in their own lives someday.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ukodLTOTens
"The most beautiful people we have known are
those who have known defeat,
known suffering,
known loss,
and have found their way out of the depths.
These persons have an appreciation,
a sensitivity,
and an understanding of life that fills them
with compassion,
gentleness,
and a deep loving concern.
Beautiful people do not just happen."
-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
I believe you have your own "beautiful" role models you recall; your own visions for your children and your own life's impact.
What are those qualities you value?
Those purposes you envision?
The lessons you're learning?
If we could sit down together (over a cup of coffee, tea, lemonade) and compile our lists; share. What a blessed time that would be!
My morning prayer will continue throughout these yet-unwritten years for my son.
(And there are two more little boys following his newly imprinted footsteps...)
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