Passing of a Year

The anticipation of a new year often brings anxiety to my mind. 
From somewhere within comes a voice loudly and clearly speaking (almost yelling) that each coming year must begin with all-things-tidy, all-things-in-place, all-wrapped-up-neatly to Ready. Get Set. Go.

Yet.

This past year, I have been learning much about GRACE. 
The "it's okay, loved one" message. 
(The lesson that is a continual process, of allowing the concept to sink down into my soul.) 

That life is much more than the accomplishments. 
It is more than the what the eye can see. 
More than can be described to another.
We are souls. (Souls cannot be measured, compared.)

It is not always pretty. But it can be beautiful. 

Like the snowflakes I trimmed this morning from those sheets of white paper. Never quite knowing the final result. Knowing that scraps and tiny bits of excess will emerge from that cutting down; that the scraps are part of the process of creating and living.

(The motto that Imperfections = Life Lived Here.)

IS ENOUGH = GRACE-FILLED LIVING

(vs. expectations of perfection in me, my home, my little world)

Grace frees, accepts, heals, gives, is compassionate
regarding our mistakes, regrets, choices. We are loved still.

"But He gives greater grace."

James 4:6

GRACE is how we move through the past.

GRATITUDE is the secret of NOW.

SEEKING GOD, HOPEFUL ANTICIPATION is how you move forward.

(Yearning. Learning. Meaning. Joy. Energy. LIFE.)

Favorite quotes from this year about Grace:

(For your roles in life, whether parent, employee, spouse, friend): 

"His grace could fill all the gaps that I could never fill." 

(Melanie Shankle)

"Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace... 

Imperfect progress." (Lysa Terkeurst) 

Favorite quotes from this year that have given me fresh Perspective:

"He treats us LIKE WE WILL BE, NOT AS WE ARE NOW. 

Someday we will be complete.

We can treat others this way." 

(Pastor Glen Lozier, paraphrased)

"I'm just so thankful that God sees us different than we are. 

He doesn't turn away; that He still looks at us with love." 

(Lacey Sturm, on Billy Graham's "My Hope" DVD)

"Just as I am...thou bidst me come to Thee.
Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, 
many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without, 
O Lamb of God, I come. I come."

(Hymn, "Just as I Am")

As followers of Christ,

"All will be well... All IS well."

(Hymn, "Through The Love Of God Our Savior")

God came down to us at Christmas. God was with us. God offered the way to save us. God remains with us. 

These promises fulfill the longing in each of us, instead of us attempting to meet this world's false/disguised/distracting expectations of success and achievement and satisfaction.

This year, these are my desires that have grown this past year: 

-Trying to uncover and recognize and live out the gifts God has already given me.

-Trying not to allow comparison or perfectionism or pleasing-others reign in my thinking.

-Trying to remain open, with right boundaries, about the struggles of my own life, so that others can possibly benefit from how God has worked in me.

-Trying. Trying. Try... No. Not just trying. But ALLOWING God's Spirit in me to lead and fulfill my days. 

And in so doing, sharing that Spirit (that Light!) with others.

"Hope in a world of problems?

It’s found in the solution of His presence... 

There’s more than you can see. 

There’s more than you feel.

In Christ, there is always more...

Be the hope of Christ in a despairing, dark world that needs more of His light."

(Ann Voskamp)

So... in the midst of all these thoughts, here is my desire for the new year:

My New Year's "Intention"

How have you grown this past year?

What are your hopes for your coming year? 

Blessings on your days,
Elizabeth

One Year: A Love Letter

In just 10 minutes, at 1:42am, it will be one year.

One year since you took your first breath outside of me and that protection of growing within.

Child of mine, you have been changing your momma's life this past 365 days. 

It is true you are not the first child I've carried for those months and delivered on those momentous days. As the third child (your momma shares that position, too!) there are times in your life you may feel like the "forgotten one" ;) or that "everyone's already been there, done that" once in awhile when your big days come. But know a truth from deep in your momma's heart: 

You are the one who can already see your momma: more at ease, more relaxed, more comfortable. 

Because. You have already have been hard at work to slow me down and show me how to savor, cherish, memorize the moments of our days. 
Something about you, dear one. Your spirit, alongside the fact of those months, those years given to your older brothers that have built in me a foundation of the momma I want to be for each of your unique treasures.

This week I have been savoring the memories leading up to the day you made your appearance into this world. 

Reminiscing the story of your arrival...

• The day I suspected you were in those earliest stages of being formed within me.
• That May evening when I was struck with those horrible signs that I may have lost you. The tears that fell from your weeping momma, and the treasured prayers from friends and family those following weeks.
• Those ultrasounds. That big reveal day. My processing of the emotions after learning you, your brothers, your daddy would make me outnumbered in our house, 4:1.
• Taking you on that Scotland adventure. Somehow I feel like you're a world traveler already...
• The mystery of wondering if you would indeed be a Christmas baby.
• That December 12th afternoon when your heart rate was troubling the doctor. And that sudden knowledge that I would be meeting you so very soon! I relive those moments like they happened just minutes ago. My heart still skips with anticipation and nervous excitement, even in the recalling: "You will be having your baby tonight." 

My heart is full.

You arrived with that familiar Balder head covered in dark.brown.softest.hair.

You, my baby, had that distinct and fascinating swirl of a cowlick right in the middle of your sweetest hairline. Atop the soft, fresh, pure baby skin of your forehead was that oh-so-distinctive part of you. 

Your daddy held you with that complete look of peace and father-pride. Watching you with him (just as when your older brothers were the babies) gave my heart that sudden feeling that is unexplainable. Yet I want so much to describe it, share it: My heart ached, throbbed; felt pained yet absolutely brimming with joy. 

(Love hurts?)

One full year has been accomplished now. 

You still seem like my dark and fuzzy haired, olive-skin-toned baby to me, wearing that teeny dark green newborn sleeper, in my arms at the Christmas Eve service. Breathtakingly beautiful. Your arrival in the Christmas season is special. (Just because.)

365 days of reliance on your momma: nursing, holding you close.

Stay so sweet, baby boy.

You have courage, son. To explore, to chase after the big boys, to share a smile with a stranger, to reach out toward the familiar and share your smiles, your personality, your gifts. 

What is God's plan for your life, little one?

You are on the receiving end of so many prayers from your daddy and me... And we are so curious to watch you grow.

• How will your life change the lives of those you encounter on your days here? 
• Where will you find passion for your days?

Keep your purpose simple and written on your heart: 
to love and care for others, to bring glory to God.

That is our prayer for you, when it all comes together through the filters and distractions of this life. Love God, love people. Stay focused on those things. "Be a blessing" as your older brothers will quote. 

Baby boy, growing boy: thank you for the gifts you have given me in your first year of life. Your imperfect momma loves you and is so very blessed and grateful. 

"May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make His face shine upon you and give you peace." (Your momma's imperfect version of the verse, but the one I pray over you 3 boys each and every night.)

Blessings on your days, your years, birthday boy.

Love, Momma

P.S. I hope you enjoy cake balls as much as a real birthday cake. The "old me" would still be angry. Now? "When life gives you a messed-up-cake, make cake balls."

Grace to Breathe

My hands were shaking. (In a good way.)

When God uses the past hour like an incredible lesson, and you can hear His urging deep in your spirit, your hands shake.

Circumstances in the past 60 minutes had opened up an inner floodgate of anger in me. I suddenly felt I lost control of my ability to be myself. 

The tiniest of circumstances broke the barrier of calm in me.
It was an inner turmoil, quiet from those who may have been watching.

Involving my husband's daunting grad school paper. And a baby that couldn't hold himself up against the rocking chair, falling again, fussing with tired. Phone calls to return on a phone that had almost drained its charge. Discovering long, winding and circling pen marks on our recliner. 
I headed upstairs for a self-prescribed cool down. Only to find that our rolling laundry cart had broken once again. And when I sat on the wood floor to (unsuccessfully) try to fix it for the umpteenth time, I noticed long-unnoticed dust bunnies near me on the floor. Reminded me of another thing to add to my unending task list. 
I continued to feel myself unraveling. Words wanting to come out of my mouth that were not pretty, not "me." These are silly things, momentary things, something in my mind reminded me. But another part of my mind couldn't grab onto stability and retrieve that missing ability to stay calm. 
I decided to take a shower, to hopefully refresh and start anew. Accidentally, I squeezed a large amount of my expensive hair-regrowth conditioner into the palm of my hand, instead of my expensive hair-regrowth shampoo. 
Waste. 
Failed. Again.
My temples throbbed and I closed my eyes. 

Suddenly, I heard my own voice say aloud, 
"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." 
Over and over and over again. It was as though it was not me. 
It was not "me" that was able to grab hold of that stability again. 
"I" was still lost in the waves of anger and frustration with myself. 
I felt the sudden spirit of God on me, whispering reminders of love and grace.

GRACE. 

"It's okay. It's okay." 

I am a perfectionist. 

...Which means that I expect perfection from myself. 

...Yet I honestly know that I am never going to reach my goal. 

...Yet I battle with the truth that perfection will not happen and the unattainable expectation that perfectionism SHOULD happen.

2 recently found quotes that resonate deep:

"Perfectionism is an addiction to disappointment." 

Michael Stratford

"...You who keep trying to cover up the pain with perfectionism." 

Ann Voskamp

The counselor in me analyzes myself to pieces, trying to dig into my hidden, secret corners (even secret to myself) to figure out the reasons for... everything. 

Perfectionism. 

Fear. Fear of what?

Fear of lacking. 

Lacking provision. 
Lacking in fulfilling the expectations I place on myself. 
Lacking in achieving the possibilities and purposes of my days. 
Of being a "successful" momma. 

Fear of failing.

Fear of lacking.

THIS is where GRACE must (MUST!) enter the picture.

Christ offers us grace. Grace found in an infinite amount of ways. Grace found in indescribable places.

Grace that I am more than my actions. More than my mistakes and stresses. 
Grace that abundant life is bigger, more than the tiny view I sometimes confine myself to.
Grace to remember that in this world, I will feel torn and wounded and muddled and worn... but Christ is here, in the moments and whispering "It's okay." There is more than what I see and feel: there is peace, fulfillment, JOY. But not in my goal of perfectionism and "handling" things in my present world. It is found in HIM, and there is a glorious coming-true promise of a perfect FUTURE. In Him. 

"Jesus claims exactly these who are wandering and wondering and wounded and worn out as His... Is there a greater gift you could want or need or have?" 
Ann Voskamp

So... today I decided to wear my cherished Scotland scarf. 
And I took my Scottish kilt socks out of the packaging that they had remained in since purchased last summer. 
I was waiting for a special occasion, a special time. 

And you know what? 

Why not today? Why not take a deep breath and decide to give yourself grace and let go of the expectations for perfection? 
It feels so good, deep in the soul. To release the unrealistic and remember: "It's okay. It's okay."

This is something that, for me, will take practice and purposeful remembering. It is difficult for the perfection-seeking, failure-magnet that I am.

The quote below is an idea I read this week. One that I am hoping to tuck deep in my soul. To remember these truths when the day is dark with fear and anger and desperation:

"The answer to deep anxiety is the deep adoration of God. 
And the greatest gift we can give our great God is to let His love make us glad." 
Ann Voskamp

I pray these words reach one (or many!) of you and remind you of our God and the GRACE He offers us, even when we feel so undeserving.

Blessings,
Elizabeth