Grace to Breathe

My hands were shaking. (In a good way.)

When God uses the past hour like an incredible lesson, and you can hear His urging deep in your spirit, your hands shake.

Circumstances in the past 60 minutes had opened up an inner floodgate of anger in me. I suddenly felt I lost control of my ability to be myself. 

The tiniest of circumstances broke the barrier of calm in me.
It was an inner turmoil, quiet from those who may have been watching.

Involving my husband's daunting grad school paper. And a baby that couldn't hold himself up against the rocking chair, falling again, fussing with tired. Phone calls to return on a phone that had almost drained its charge. Discovering long, winding and circling pen marks on our recliner. 
I headed upstairs for a self-prescribed cool down. Only to find that our rolling laundry cart had broken once again. And when I sat on the wood floor to (unsuccessfully) try to fix it for the umpteenth time, I noticed long-unnoticed dust bunnies near me on the floor. Reminded me of another thing to add to my unending task list. 
I continued to feel myself unraveling. Words wanting to come out of my mouth that were not pretty, not "me." These are silly things, momentary things, something in my mind reminded me. But another part of my mind couldn't grab onto stability and retrieve that missing ability to stay calm. 
I decided to take a shower, to hopefully refresh and start anew. Accidentally, I squeezed a large amount of my expensive hair-regrowth conditioner into the palm of my hand, instead of my expensive hair-regrowth shampoo. 
Waste. 
Failed. Again.
My temples throbbed and I closed my eyes. 

Suddenly, I heard my own voice say aloud, 
"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." 
Over and over and over again. It was as though it was not me. 
It was not "me" that was able to grab hold of that stability again. 
"I" was still lost in the waves of anger and frustration with myself. 
I felt the sudden spirit of God on me, whispering reminders of love and grace.

GRACE. 

"It's okay. It's okay." 

I am a perfectionist. 

...Which means that I expect perfection from myself. 

...Yet I honestly know that I am never going to reach my goal. 

...Yet I battle with the truth that perfection will not happen and the unattainable expectation that perfectionism SHOULD happen.

2 recently found quotes that resonate deep:

"Perfectionism is an addiction to disappointment." 

Michael Stratford

"...You who keep trying to cover up the pain with perfectionism." 

Ann Voskamp

The counselor in me analyzes myself to pieces, trying to dig into my hidden, secret corners (even secret to myself) to figure out the reasons for... everything. 

Perfectionism. 

Fear. Fear of what?

Fear of lacking. 

Lacking provision. 
Lacking in fulfilling the expectations I place on myself. 
Lacking in achieving the possibilities and purposes of my days. 
Of being a "successful" momma. 

Fear of failing.

Fear of lacking.

THIS is where GRACE must (MUST!) enter the picture.

Christ offers us grace. Grace found in an infinite amount of ways. Grace found in indescribable places.

Grace that I am more than my actions. More than my mistakes and stresses. 
Grace that abundant life is bigger, more than the tiny view I sometimes confine myself to.
Grace to remember that in this world, I will feel torn and wounded and muddled and worn... but Christ is here, in the moments and whispering "It's okay." There is more than what I see and feel: there is peace, fulfillment, JOY. But not in my goal of perfectionism and "handling" things in my present world. It is found in HIM, and there is a glorious coming-true promise of a perfect FUTURE. In Him. 

"Jesus claims exactly these who are wandering and wondering and wounded and worn out as His... Is there a greater gift you could want or need or have?" 
Ann Voskamp

So... today I decided to wear my cherished Scotland scarf. 
And I took my Scottish kilt socks out of the packaging that they had remained in since purchased last summer. 
I was waiting for a special occasion, a special time. 

And you know what? 

Why not today? Why not take a deep breath and decide to give yourself grace and let go of the expectations for perfection? 
It feels so good, deep in the soul. To release the unrealistic and remember: "It's okay. It's okay."

This is something that, for me, will take practice and purposeful remembering. It is difficult for the perfection-seeking, failure-magnet that I am.

The quote below is an idea I read this week. One that I am hoping to tuck deep in my soul. To remember these truths when the day is dark with fear and anger and desperation:

"The answer to deep anxiety is the deep adoration of God. 
And the greatest gift we can give our great God is to let His love make us glad." 
Ann Voskamp

I pray these words reach one (or many!) of you and remind you of our God and the GRACE He offers us, even when we feel so undeserving.

Blessings,
Elizabeth