The Process

It started with several days of feeling sick. And being low on energy. And lacking in motivation. 
Then I felt that spark return. The desire to restore the house from my slow week. 
Wiping floors, dusting shelves. 
Opening the refrigerator and noticing the urgent necessity of a clean-up.

So I pulled out those trusty disinfecting wipes. And I started scrubbing.
And then scrubbed some more. 
Feeling quite productive and happy with the shiny results. From what I could see superficially.

Then I looked at the shelves from a different angle.
Blech.
More mess. Oh man.
Wiping furiously. Furrowed brow.

Another glance from another viewpoint revealed yet more to clean, remove.
Sigh. 
Getting ridiculous. 
The more I scrubbed, the more I noticed. The more I gave attention to the project, the more work seemed to grow in front of me. 

It struck me. Once again. That I am not a "process" person. 
I like end results. I like sitting back and admiring the view. I like moving slow and breathing deep and feeling that satisfaction of energy spent and list completed.
I do not enjoy being in the midst of the yuck and the ugly and the unfinished, the yet to be accomplished. (Honestly, who really likes to be in the yuck? Yet some enjoy being right in the center, the heart of the completion process; it spurs them on...)

Yet. That is the heart of life... 
Being IN the moments, being IN the process.
There is no way around this. Life IS work, life isn't made of finished products alone. There are beautiful, awe-inspiring moments. There are grueling, mind-boggling, grief-filled moments. There are just plain hard-to-get-through responsibilities that push us to our limits and test our priorities and values and stir us to consider what it is all for.

Part of being IN the process for me (once again, back to the analogy of cleaning that refrigerator and glancing at too many shelf angles too quickly, before I have the chance to conquer the current messy shelf), is to not look to far ahead in the years to come in this life of mine. When I think about my boys being preteens. When I think about my boys being teenagers. When I think about concerns of the present that may be compounded in coming years- finances, social media, dangers facing our children, etc... my heart gets tight and it's hard to breathe. So I have to again remember, to face TODAY and this moment only, with His strength: 

"His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now... His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future... God never gives strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the minute."

(Oswald Chambers)

And also learning how God wants to grow me/you/us in our maturity.

I do not feel mature: When I become easily flustered. When I am impatient. When I become overwhelmed. When I rush to become angry or anxious. God continues to introduce me to lessons that will shape me and make me grow that much wiser, deeper, richer.

I just "happened" to read these words this afternoon, as I was thinking through these very thoughts:

"God will bring us back in countless ways to the same point over and over again. 

And He never tires of bringing us back to that one point until we learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce the finished product. 

It may be a problem arising from our impulsive nature, 

but again and again, with the most persistent patience, 

God has brought us back to that one particular point. 

Of the problem may be our idle and wandering thinking, 

or our independent nature and self-interest. 

Through this process, God is trying to impress upon us 

the one thing that is not entirely right in our lives... 

Whatever it may be, God will point it out with persistence 

until we become entirely His."

(Oswald Chambers, edited by James Reimann)

"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God."

(Oswald Chambers)

And here are some verses that came to the forefront of my thoughts as I considered the work we do, the responsibilities of our days:

"Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:4

"Well done, good and faithful servant. 

You were faithful over a few things; 

I will put you in charge of many things. 

Share in your master's joy!" 

Matthew 25:21

Let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. 

Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, 

keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith..."

Hebrews 12:1-2

And finally, when it comes down to my/your/our attitude and mindset:

"Taking every thought captive to obey Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:5

Being sick these past few days, my angry side has reared its head far too quickly. The physical lagging in me must cause my impatience to go into a hyperdrive, and my spirit has a very short fuse. So my loving husband has helped me to recall the above verse... thank you for that, truly. We DO have control over our thoughts and the patterns we establish (or want to change).

So I encourage you,
as when I was cleaning those layers and many intricate corners of my refrigerator today...
to allow yourself to look at your life from different angles/different points of view. 
Not to berate yourself or lose your patience and self-loathe. But to consider how God may be seeking to gain your attention, to teach you something (or re-teach), in order to smooth off those rough, splintered edges. To scrub off the yuck. To wipe and wipe until the pure beauty of who you are shines oh-so bright. 
And, with me, try to become more of a process-person. A process-person who still lives very much IN THIS VERY MOMENT.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Truths Revealed

See that tag? 

It is attached to the coat. The beautifully soft-like-a-blanket coat gift I received for Christmas. 

The tag.

Why is it still connected? Why is it not yet cut off and thrown in the garbage? Why is the gift not being used, appreciated publicly? 

Learning once again, a lesson about myself. 

The struggle that continues in me: 

gotta be perfect, gotta get it right. 

Tough to accept a gift. Especially a lavish one. Because…

Unworthiness. Of not being good enough to receive such a gift.

Because of my failings.

Part of me worried of the coat’s fit, the length (for the tall girl I am!), the material, the attention it may bring.

Another part of me smiled at the softness and femininity of something so lovely.

The fear in me, the doubter in me had taken over, and the coat sat folded and nicely held in a box. In the basement. Me, still considering the beauty of the gift. The unworthiness of myself to actually wear such an item.

Just today, Nate asked me about the coat. Whether it worked, whether I liked it.

Um.

Suddenly, I was confronted with that part of me, that part that I had managed to push aside and hide from my corner of the world.

Fear. Of regret.

Uncertainty. Of choice.

Consciousness. Of self.

All self-focused. Not full of love or care for anyone other than myself.

And not even liking myself.

"An unlikely enemy: my own self... 

constant state of high expectation... 

a prisoner to my own impossible expectations." 

(Emily P. Freeman)

Emily P. Freeman wrote a richly filled book called "Grace for the Good Girl: Letting Go of the Try-Hard Life." I read it (underlining and marking much) over the summer, then it sat upon a bookshelf in our home.

GRACE has been "the word" of my 2013, if I could narrow down and highlight a major theme. 

Now GRACE has become the topic of conversation in great and challenging ways in this early 2014, already discussed at length between Nate and me.

RULES. PERFORMANCE.

RECEIVING. GIFTS.

GRATITUDE.

GRACE.

"Failure, whether real or perceived reminds of my own limits and it takes me to a place of recognizing I can't make this life work the I want, no matter how noble or worthy or good my intentions."

(Emily P. Freeman)

"As much as I'd prefer only the lovely,

beauty from ashes tells a more compelling story."

(Emily P. Freeman)

Missing out on the simplicity of relationship with God. His gifts, His blessings.

“Through every cloud He brings,

He wants us to UNLEARN something.”

(Oswald Chambers)

What are the lessons you and I need to unlearn?

Me? Fear. Pleasing others. Perfection. Being good. Definition of success. Measuring up to the wrong standards. Accomplishment meaning value.

"You have the letting power.

Let fear dominate or let peace rule."

(Emily P. Freeman)

"As long as we think we are not that bad,

the idea of grace will never change us."

(Timothy Keller)

Remembering GRACE. 

Remembering IN WHOM I am guaranteed security.

Remembering the GIFTS God has given me. Lavishly. That I do not deserve. (That, much like my coat, I do not appreciate publicly.)

Unlearning this world’s version of worthiness to receive gifts…

Of needing to be acceptable, successful, adequate, measuring up.

Learning (re-appreciating) that those of us in CHRIST are given such a different outlook:

The gift of becoming and remaining as a child of His.

I have written these things to you who believe in the name of the Son of God, so that you may know that you have eternal life. (1 John 5:13)

Of being covered with His hand of protection.

My sheep hear My voice, I know them, and they follow Me.

 I give them eternal life, and they will never perish—ever!

No one will snatch them out of My hand. (John 10:27-28)

Of being led by His light.

Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above,

coming down from the Father of lights with whom

there is no variation or shadow due to change. (James 1:17)

Of needs being met by His provision.

And my God will supply every need of yours

according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 4:19)

Of being heard by Him, the Mighty One.

Now this is the confidence we have before Him:

Whenever we ask anything according to His will, He hears us. (1 John 5:14)

Of freedom from these struggles.

For freedom Christ has set us free;

stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. (Galatians 5:1)

Of His blessings, pure and absolute. 

Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ,

who has blessed us in Christ

with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places. (Ephesians 1:3)

Ultimately… remembering this familiar verse:

For God so loved the world that He gave his only Son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through Him. (John 3:16-17)

"For you have died,

and your life is hidden

 with Christ in God." 

(Colossians 3:3)

"Now I am hidden in Christ:

safe, secure, and complete." 

(Emily P. Freeman)

That is all I need to know. That is enough. (More than enough.)

I don't deserve The Gifts. But He has given them to me. And you.

So I will wear that coat.

Take of those tags, and accept that gift.

Even if it is not perfect fit on the imperfect me. Receive the gift, even so. And smile.