The Process

It started with several days of feeling sick. And being low on energy. And lacking in motivation. 
Then I felt that spark return. The desire to restore the house from my slow week. 
Wiping floors, dusting shelves. 
Opening the refrigerator and noticing the urgent necessity of a clean-up.

So I pulled out those trusty disinfecting wipes. And I started scrubbing.
And then scrubbed some more. 
Feeling quite productive and happy with the shiny results. From what I could see superficially.

Then I looked at the shelves from a different angle.
Blech.
More mess. Oh man.
Wiping furiously. Furrowed brow.

Another glance from another viewpoint revealed yet more to clean, remove.
Sigh. 
Getting ridiculous. 
The more I scrubbed, the more I noticed. The more I gave attention to the project, the more work seemed to grow in front of me. 

It struck me. Once again. That I am not a "process" person. 
I like end results. I like sitting back and admiring the view. I like moving slow and breathing deep and feeling that satisfaction of energy spent and list completed.
I do not enjoy being in the midst of the yuck and the ugly and the unfinished, the yet to be accomplished. (Honestly, who really likes to be in the yuck? Yet some enjoy being right in the center, the heart of the completion process; it spurs them on...)

Yet. That is the heart of life... 
Being IN the moments, being IN the process.
There is no way around this. Life IS work, life isn't made of finished products alone. There are beautiful, awe-inspiring moments. There are grueling, mind-boggling, grief-filled moments. There are just plain hard-to-get-through responsibilities that push us to our limits and test our priorities and values and stir us to consider what it is all for.

Part of being IN the process for me (once again, back to the analogy of cleaning that refrigerator and glancing at too many shelf angles too quickly, before I have the chance to conquer the current messy shelf), is to not look to far ahead in the years to come in this life of mine. When I think about my boys being preteens. When I think about my boys being teenagers. When I think about concerns of the present that may be compounded in coming years- finances, social media, dangers facing our children, etc... my heart gets tight and it's hard to breathe. So I have to again remember, to face TODAY and this moment only, with His strength: 

"His purpose is that I depend on Him and on His power now... His purpose is for this minute, not for something in the future... God never gives strength for tomorrow, or for the next hour, but only for the strain of the minute."

(Oswald Chambers)

And also learning how God wants to grow me/you/us in our maturity.

I do not feel mature: When I become easily flustered. When I am impatient. When I become overwhelmed. When I rush to become angry or anxious. God continues to introduce me to lessons that will shape me and make me grow that much wiser, deeper, richer.

I just "happened" to read these words this afternoon, as I was thinking through these very thoughts:

"God will bring us back in countless ways to the same point over and over again. 

And He never tires of bringing us back to that one point until we learn the lesson, because His purpose is to produce the finished product. 

It may be a problem arising from our impulsive nature, 

but again and again, with the most persistent patience, 

God has brought us back to that one particular point. 

Of the problem may be our idle and wandering thinking, 

or our independent nature and self-interest. 

Through this process, God is trying to impress upon us 

the one thing that is not entirely right in our lives... 

Whatever it may be, God will point it out with persistence 

until we become entirely His."

(Oswald Chambers, edited by James Reimann)

"It is the process, not the end, which is glorifying to God."

(Oswald Chambers)

And here are some verses that came to the forefront of my thoughts as I considered the work we do, the responsibilities of our days:

"Let patience have its perfect work, that you may be complete, lacking in nothing."

James 1:4

"Well done, good and faithful servant. 

You were faithful over a few things; 

I will put you in charge of many things. 

Share in your master's joy!" 

Matthew 25:21

Let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily ensnares us. 

Let us run with endurance the race that lies before us, 

keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith..."

Hebrews 12:1-2

And finally, when it comes down to my/your/our attitude and mindset:

"Taking every thought captive to obey Christ."

2 Corinthians 10:5

Being sick these past few days, my angry side has reared its head far too quickly. The physical lagging in me must cause my impatience to go into a hyperdrive, and my spirit has a very short fuse. So my loving husband has helped me to recall the above verse... thank you for that, truly. We DO have control over our thoughts and the patterns we establish (or want to change).

So I encourage you,
as when I was cleaning those layers and many intricate corners of my refrigerator today...
to allow yourself to look at your life from different angles/different points of view. 
Not to berate yourself or lose your patience and self-loathe. But to consider how God may be seeking to gain your attention, to teach you something (or re-teach), in order to smooth off those rough, splintered edges. To scrub off the yuck. To wipe and wipe until the pure beauty of who you are shines oh-so bright. 
And, with me, try to become more of a process-person. A process-person who still lives very much IN THIS VERY MOMENT.

Blessings,
Elizabeth