A season of 4,652 days

So I asked our Alexa a question. 

How many days have passed since March 7, 2008? 

The answer: 4,652 days.

This is how many days I have had as a stay-at-home momma.

Tomorrow, I leave the house and go back into the workforce full-time for the first time since that day in 2008. 

Yikes. That is a long time. And it also has felt like a blink, a blurry dream.

I have gradually become more and more ready for this change of seasons. 

And what a season of life this has been.

I've laughed louder and smiled wider than I could have ever imagined.

And I've also been angrier and more frustrated and more heartbroken.

My heart has been stretched and worn and given and fulfilled.

As a full-time stay-home momma, as a basically one-income family, we have sacrificed and struggled and benefitted and nurtured and experienced and adjusted and grown. We have been in plenty and in want, sickness and health. 

And now, the opportunity for me to have a place outside the home has risen and come together and is happening. A little earlier than our original plans, but when the pieces fit and God opens the path and answers the prayers...  

And oh my, if this transition doesn't give me ALL the emotions. 

I mean, having a resume of "home" for the past 12+ years. Um. How was that going to work for future employment? And then. This position and its details. Being able to have this opportunity to have a job that will provide so much for our family, for me, for our future? Being able to gather up into my hands a new purpose outside these walls and outside of this handful of young children I've had the honor to care for these years? Wow. This bittersweet cup overflows. 

Gosh, we are blessed. And gosh, this is hard.

I am thankful.

I am sad.

I am excited. 

I am sad.

I am nervous. 

I am hopeful. 

I am thankful.

I am sad.

These past few days, I've felt like I'm leaving for some other country, indefinitely, with no return date yet. Like I'm packing up and getting things prepared at home here for those I'm leaving behind. And partly, this processing has been a very necessary part of this adjustment. 

And then, in other ways, I have to smile at myself and shake it off a bit! It's not like I'm truly leaving these people or having to say final goodbyes to these dear loved ones of mine. Or this house of ours. And then I can breathe again. I'm still their momma and this is still my home. And I am still me. And it will all be okay. And there are regrets of time squandered and failings and mistakes I've made. But the reality of hope and grace and future eases the hard and washes it fresh.

"Seek Me. Just where you are, seek Me." (Ann Voskamp, "The Greatest Gift")

"And so we offer to you, O God, these things: Our dreams, our plans, our vision. Shape them as You will. Our moments and our gifts. May they be invested toward bright, eternal ends." (Douglas McKelvey, "Every Moment Holy", p. 61)

"Grant, O Lord, that we might take our leave now, feeling a right joy for the blessings of the hours we shared, even as we feel a bright and hopeful sorrow at their close." (p. 220)

"Not my dreams, O Lord, not my dreams, but Yours, be done." (p. 235)

"The shape of that ache for another time and place is the imprint of eternity within our souls." (p. 222) 

"Make us faithful in the meanwhile..." (p. 220)

Every one of us has such a unique journey. With parts we've cherished and parts we've despised. Taking the time to step back and process the sharp turns and windy curves and sudden forks in the path and maddening "road closed" signs and precious dreams dashed: well, these past few days/weeks/months/years of reflecting and remembering and reliving have shown me such a different perspective. 

I am appreciating the looking-back-on... How pieces of the puzzle that never seemed to fit right can somehow still be making a complete picture. Our puzzles aren't done. But looking back at how far they've come together so far? This gives me great hope and anticipation that the pieces will continue to be pieced together. Season by season. Both the bitter and the sweet, the heartbreaks and the victories, the losses and the gains.

"To everything there is a season... He has made everything beautiful in its time." (Ecclesiastes 3:1,11)

In my own time of ChAnGeS cHaNgEs galore... say some prayers and send some encouragements my way? (And, of course: RIGHT BACK 'ATCHA!)

Blessings,

Elizabeth