Passing of a Year

The anticipation of a new year often brings anxiety to my mind. 
From somewhere within comes a voice loudly and clearly speaking (almost yelling) that each coming year must begin with all-things-tidy, all-things-in-place, all-wrapped-up-neatly to Ready. Get Set. Go.

Yet.

This past year, I have been learning much about GRACE. 
The "it's okay, loved one" message. 
(The lesson that is a continual process, of allowing the concept to sink down into my soul.) 

That life is much more than the accomplishments. 
It is more than the what the eye can see. 
More than can be described to another.
We are souls. (Souls cannot be measured, compared.)

It is not always pretty. But it can be beautiful. 

Like the snowflakes I trimmed this morning from those sheets of white paper. Never quite knowing the final result. Knowing that scraps and tiny bits of excess will emerge from that cutting down; that the scraps are part of the process of creating and living.

(The motto that Imperfections = Life Lived Here.)

IS ENOUGH = GRACE-FILLED LIVING

(vs. expectations of perfection in me, my home, my little world)

Grace frees, accepts, heals, gives, is compassionate
regarding our mistakes, regrets, choices. We are loved still.

"But He gives greater grace."

James 4:6

GRACE is how we move through the past.

GRATITUDE is the secret of NOW.

SEEKING GOD, HOPEFUL ANTICIPATION is how you move forward.

(Yearning. Learning. Meaning. Joy. Energy. LIFE.)

Favorite quotes from this year about Grace:

(For your roles in life, whether parent, employee, spouse, friend): 

"His grace could fill all the gaps that I could never fill." 

(Melanie Shankle)

"Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace... 

Imperfect progress." (Lysa Terkeurst) 

Favorite quotes from this year that have given me fresh Perspective:

"He treats us LIKE WE WILL BE, NOT AS WE ARE NOW. 

Someday we will be complete.

We can treat others this way." 

(Pastor Glen Lozier, paraphrased)

"I'm just so thankful that God sees us different than we are. 

He doesn't turn away; that He still looks at us with love." 

(Lacey Sturm, on Billy Graham's "My Hope" DVD)

"Just as I am...thou bidst me come to Thee.
Just as I am, though tossed about
with many a conflict, 
many a doubt,
fightings and fears within, without, 
O Lamb of God, I come. I come."

(Hymn, "Just as I Am")

As followers of Christ,

"All will be well... All IS well."

(Hymn, "Through The Love Of God Our Savior")

God came down to us at Christmas. God was with us. God offered the way to save us. God remains with us. 

These promises fulfill the longing in each of us, instead of us attempting to meet this world's false/disguised/distracting expectations of success and achievement and satisfaction.

This year, these are my desires that have grown this past year: 

-Trying to uncover and recognize and live out the gifts God has already given me.

-Trying not to allow comparison or perfectionism or pleasing-others reign in my thinking.

-Trying to remain open, with right boundaries, about the struggles of my own life, so that others can possibly benefit from how God has worked in me.

-Trying. Trying. Try... No. Not just trying. But ALLOWING God's Spirit in me to lead and fulfill my days. 

And in so doing, sharing that Spirit (that Light!) with others.

"Hope in a world of problems?

It’s found in the solution of His presence... 

There’s more than you can see. 

There’s more than you feel.

In Christ, there is always more...

Be the hope of Christ in a despairing, dark world that needs more of His light."

(Ann Voskamp)

So... in the midst of all these thoughts, here is my desire for the new year:

My New Year's "Intention"

How have you grown this past year?

What are your hopes for your coming year? 

Blessings on your days,
Elizabeth

One Year: A Love Letter

In just 10 minutes, at 1:42am, it will be one year.

One year since you took your first breath outside of me and that protection of growing within.

Child of mine, you have been changing your momma's life this past 365 days. 

It is true you are not the first child I've carried for those months and delivered on those momentous days. As the third child (your momma shares that position, too!) there are times in your life you may feel like the "forgotten one" ;) or that "everyone's already been there, done that" once in awhile when your big days come. But know a truth from deep in your momma's heart: 

You are the one who can already see your momma: more at ease, more relaxed, more comfortable. 

Because. You have already have been hard at work to slow me down and show me how to savor, cherish, memorize the moments of our days. 
Something about you, dear one. Your spirit, alongside the fact of those months, those years given to your older brothers that have built in me a foundation of the momma I want to be for each of your unique treasures.

This week I have been savoring the memories leading up to the day you made your appearance into this world. 

Reminiscing the story of your arrival...

• The day I suspected you were in those earliest stages of being formed within me.
• That May evening when I was struck with those horrible signs that I may have lost you. The tears that fell from your weeping momma, and the treasured prayers from friends and family those following weeks.
• Those ultrasounds. That big reveal day. My processing of the emotions after learning you, your brothers, your daddy would make me outnumbered in our house, 4:1.
• Taking you on that Scotland adventure. Somehow I feel like you're a world traveler already...
• The mystery of wondering if you would indeed be a Christmas baby.
• That December 12th afternoon when your heart rate was troubling the doctor. And that sudden knowledge that I would be meeting you so very soon! I relive those moments like they happened just minutes ago. My heart still skips with anticipation and nervous excitement, even in the recalling: "You will be having your baby tonight." 

My heart is full.

You arrived with that familiar Balder head covered in dark.brown.softest.hair.

You, my baby, had that distinct and fascinating swirl of a cowlick right in the middle of your sweetest hairline. Atop the soft, fresh, pure baby skin of your forehead was that oh-so-distinctive part of you. 

Your daddy held you with that complete look of peace and father-pride. Watching you with him (just as when your older brothers were the babies) gave my heart that sudden feeling that is unexplainable. Yet I want so much to describe it, share it: My heart ached, throbbed; felt pained yet absolutely brimming with joy. 

(Love hurts?)

One full year has been accomplished now. 

You still seem like my dark and fuzzy haired, olive-skin-toned baby to me, wearing that teeny dark green newborn sleeper, in my arms at the Christmas Eve service. Breathtakingly beautiful. Your arrival in the Christmas season is special. (Just because.)

365 days of reliance on your momma: nursing, holding you close.

Stay so sweet, baby boy.

You have courage, son. To explore, to chase after the big boys, to share a smile with a stranger, to reach out toward the familiar and share your smiles, your personality, your gifts. 

What is God's plan for your life, little one?

You are on the receiving end of so many prayers from your daddy and me... And we are so curious to watch you grow.

• How will your life change the lives of those you encounter on your days here? 
• Where will you find passion for your days?

Keep your purpose simple and written on your heart: 
to love and care for others, to bring glory to God.

That is our prayer for you, when it all comes together through the filters and distractions of this life. Love God, love people. Stay focused on those things. "Be a blessing" as your older brothers will quote. 

Baby boy, growing boy: thank you for the gifts you have given me in your first year of life. Your imperfect momma loves you and is so very blessed and grateful. 

"May the Lord bless you and keep you, may the Lord make His face shine upon you and give you peace." (Your momma's imperfect version of the verse, but the one I pray over you 3 boys each and every night.)

Blessings on your days, your years, birthday boy.

Love, Momma

P.S. I hope you enjoy cake balls as much as a real birthday cake. The "old me" would still be angry. Now? "When life gives you a messed-up-cake, make cake balls."

Grace to Breathe

My hands were shaking. (In a good way.)

When God uses the past hour like an incredible lesson, and you can hear His urging deep in your spirit, your hands shake.

Circumstances in the past 60 minutes had opened up an inner floodgate of anger in me. I suddenly felt I lost control of my ability to be myself. 

The tiniest of circumstances broke the barrier of calm in me.
It was an inner turmoil, quiet from those who may have been watching.

Involving my husband's daunting grad school paper. And a baby that couldn't hold himself up against the rocking chair, falling again, fussing with tired. Phone calls to return on a phone that had almost drained its charge. Discovering long, winding and circling pen marks on our recliner. 
I headed upstairs for a self-prescribed cool down. Only to find that our rolling laundry cart had broken once again. And when I sat on the wood floor to (unsuccessfully) try to fix it for the umpteenth time, I noticed long-unnoticed dust bunnies near me on the floor. Reminded me of another thing to add to my unending task list. 
I continued to feel myself unraveling. Words wanting to come out of my mouth that were not pretty, not "me." These are silly things, momentary things, something in my mind reminded me. But another part of my mind couldn't grab onto stability and retrieve that missing ability to stay calm. 
I decided to take a shower, to hopefully refresh and start anew. Accidentally, I squeezed a large amount of my expensive hair-regrowth conditioner into the palm of my hand, instead of my expensive hair-regrowth shampoo. 
Waste. 
Failed. Again.
My temples throbbed and I closed my eyes. 

Suddenly, I heard my own voice say aloud, 
"It's okay. It's okay. It's okay." 
Over and over and over again. It was as though it was not me. 
It was not "me" that was able to grab hold of that stability again. 
"I" was still lost in the waves of anger and frustration with myself. 
I felt the sudden spirit of God on me, whispering reminders of love and grace.

GRACE. 

"It's okay. It's okay." 

I am a perfectionist. 

...Which means that I expect perfection from myself. 

...Yet I honestly know that I am never going to reach my goal. 

...Yet I battle with the truth that perfection will not happen and the unattainable expectation that perfectionism SHOULD happen.

2 recently found quotes that resonate deep:

"Perfectionism is an addiction to disappointment." 

Michael Stratford

"...You who keep trying to cover up the pain with perfectionism." 

Ann Voskamp

The counselor in me analyzes myself to pieces, trying to dig into my hidden, secret corners (even secret to myself) to figure out the reasons for... everything. 

Perfectionism. 

Fear. Fear of what?

Fear of lacking. 

Lacking provision. 
Lacking in fulfilling the expectations I place on myself. 
Lacking in achieving the possibilities and purposes of my days. 
Of being a "successful" momma. 

Fear of failing.

Fear of lacking.

THIS is where GRACE must (MUST!) enter the picture.

Christ offers us grace. Grace found in an infinite amount of ways. Grace found in indescribable places.

Grace that I am more than my actions. More than my mistakes and stresses. 
Grace that abundant life is bigger, more than the tiny view I sometimes confine myself to.
Grace to remember that in this world, I will feel torn and wounded and muddled and worn... but Christ is here, in the moments and whispering "It's okay." There is more than what I see and feel: there is peace, fulfillment, JOY. But not in my goal of perfectionism and "handling" things in my present world. It is found in HIM, and there is a glorious coming-true promise of a perfect FUTURE. In Him. 

"Jesus claims exactly these who are wandering and wondering and wounded and worn out as His... Is there a greater gift you could want or need or have?" 
Ann Voskamp

So... today I decided to wear my cherished Scotland scarf. 
And I took my Scottish kilt socks out of the packaging that they had remained in since purchased last summer. 
I was waiting for a special occasion, a special time. 

And you know what? 

Why not today? Why not take a deep breath and decide to give yourself grace and let go of the expectations for perfection? 
It feels so good, deep in the soul. To release the unrealistic and remember: "It's okay. It's okay."

This is something that, for me, will take practice and purposeful remembering. It is difficult for the perfection-seeking, failure-magnet that I am.

The quote below is an idea I read this week. One that I am hoping to tuck deep in my soul. To remember these truths when the day is dark with fear and anger and desperation:

"The answer to deep anxiety is the deep adoration of God. 
And the greatest gift we can give our great God is to let His love make us glad." 
Ann Voskamp

I pray these words reach one (or many!) of you and remind you of our God and the GRACE He offers us, even when we feel so undeserving.

Blessings,
Elizabeth

Living the Art

Something has been itching to get out. Be released from my hands. 

It is a most peaceful day. Inside a warm, candle-lit home, warm colors of brown on each of us. Outside it is rainy, gray sky covering heavy as a thick blanket. It is quiet. Still enough to hear the candle's flicker and the soft ticking of the wall clock.

These are the days I yearn for and live for... peace, sense of calm, breathing slow. 

Yet there is something in me today that feel about to burst. An energy underneath the routine. 

I can envision a setting deep in the jagged mountains, hidden and sheltered with tall pines, streams of bitter cold water rushing alongside. Me placed in that setting, next to an easel and full spectrum of colors of paints, brushes. Open white canvas. 

A dream.
Something to dream about, close my eyes and imagine the senses working in overload to take in each sensation: view, sound, touch, scent, taste (well, that must mean I have fresh hot coffee in hand, too! Mmmm.).

But I realize that I am here, in my own familiar home. So familiar. Outside these windows I see warm yellow leaves falling off the trees like snow, covering the cold ground with a thick layer of gold. 
And I love this. I love the view. 
It's just that occasional ache to push a pause button on the ordinary and take a stroll along the creative, the fresh, the invigorating. 

My spirit settles into a warm place when I open my journal and start writing, creating, recording. My eyes must open wider when I remember to be aware and I can take in a sight of wonder. My fingers fly on the keyboard when thoughts come pouring in with desperate need to be shared. My heart beats with a passion and affirmation of purpose when I receive feedback for something created. 

"Art is when we do work that matters in a creative way, in a way that touches [people] and changes them for the better.”
-Emily P. Freeman "A Million Little Ways"

Where do you open yourself up to use your gifts, creativity, art?

I look at the whole of my days, the majority of the minutes:

They are spent changing diaper and diaper for my littlest. Washing my hands over and over. Preparing meals for those particular eaters. Folding the clothing of my dear ones. Reading stories. Playing goalie. Listening to the repeated phrase "Blue 42. Blue 42. Set hut hut hike." Tidying up toy piles. Sorting paperwork at the desk. Researching public budgeting topics on Google. Getting another cup of "juice water" for those boys. "Momma! Momma!" with yet another question. Never resting my body until late at night when all small ones are in bed. (Then collapse, some days. Spent.)

Where can we find the art, passion in these moments? 
Looking at it as if ALL has the potential for some sort of creativity, music, joy.
Singing soothing words to my baby during a diaper change?
Praying as I suds up my hands?
Listening to inspiring words, music during cooking time?
Cherishing those little outfits as I take another item off that laundry pile? 
Cuddling close and breathing in my boys while it's storytime, even if my hair is tugged and my personal space is overwhelmed?
Hmmm. Maybe there is potential for living in the ordinary routine of life and looking for the beauty and art. 

"Do what you are called to do, from God's intended place for you."

-Priscilla Shirer "Lessons from Gideon"

Awhile back I wrote on facebook: "Thinking recently of the art of CREATING in each of our lives: In addition to what we imagine to be art, as in drawing or painting or sculpting, but also including hospitality, conversation, caring, cooking, riding, nurturing, constructing, photography, dancing, writing, singing, performing, humor, envisioning..."

These thoughts encourage my soul. That the creative can be in any moment, any task. Ones that bring that Boost to your spirit. That nurture you at your core and help you remember that life is bigger than the work, the chores, the daily stuff of our lives.

Now I know life is not all about our pleasures. There is deep hurt. True unmet needs. Real pain. Long, silent suffering. 
It's after those moments, during a break or lull, that we can open ourselves up to the beauty of the creative, of our gifts. 
Yet sometimes it is in the midst of those moments that is possible for that beauty to overwhelm in the most peculiar and lovely ways. Like a fragile ornament to be delicately touched and appreciated. Keeping the wonder of the moment within grasp, as a possibility. That is the answer for me. And to never forget the Maker of those wonders. 
Then life has a driving force to press you forward, a place to jump out into each day with passion urging you to continue along the path of your journey. One foot in front of the other, but with a sometimes-skip in your step. 

Maybe someday I will get to that mountain dream and settle into a chair and just paint, capture a scene with a photograph. But for now, there are giggles to be heard and questions to be answered ("Do whales have tongues, Momma?"). And that will be okay. Just keep on seeking the art and the beauty. And this spirit God gave you, gave me will be nourished.

Blessings, 
Elizabeth

Time and Talents

I toss aside most of the magazines I receive. 
I do not log into my Pinterest account.

These are tools designed to provide ideas on how to be the best at life. But they do not settle into my spirit easily. 
Do. Accomplish. Show.
I feel yucky. I get a pit in my stomach. There is an ugly sensation that strives to find a spot to dig in deep and grow roots deep within me. 

It is the belief that I am lacking: 
Lacking talent, lacking the time it takes to create and actually complete.
Lacking time.
Time to nurture talents.
Time with hands free, available to create something beautiful and lovely.

I made the mistake this morning of simply flipping through the pages of my latest parenting magazine. Ideas for beauty. Ideas for crafts. Ideas for health. Ideas for toys. Ideas for shopping. Ideas for meals. Ideas. 
Nothing was wrong with any of these Ideas. It is just that, with each page turned and each image that jumped out at me, I felt smaller. Pressing me to accomplish things so I could show you what I did with my day. A list that is impossible, for me at least. 

I am writing this post with my 3 year old sitting in my lap. He is munching on his goldfish crackers and commenting on how fast I am typing. He is looking closely at my wedding ring and tells me how (the diamond) looks like a ponytail sticking out of top of the ring. I murmur my responses back to him. He leans close into me.

I suppose this is how I spend my time. Sitting with my boys on the floor, at the table, in a rocking chair. 
Listening. Commenting. Observing. Answering. Cuddling.

At this point, I am not willing to walk away from these moments in time. 
Floorboards need to be refreshed. Ceiling fans need to be dusted. Window sills need to be touched up with paint. There are always responsibilities. 
And this is before I even consider adding on other projects to try to keep up with the magazines and Pinterest users. 
Cute holiday food creations to share? I wish.
Homemade decorations made out of the cutest materials to set out? I wish.

I do not have a bit of skill in sewing, knitting, elaborate baking, gardening, canning, on and on and on. I truly beat myself down when I think in this way: that I do not possess the talents that have something to offer you tangibly.
To you. these projects may excite you and energize you. Stir you up to create and feel more fully alive. 
I would like this side of me awakened...

So I sit down to think. 

What awakens me?
To sit down with you over a cup of coffee and listen.
To listen, then encourage.
To journal, read, share ideas.
To inspire. 

That's it. 
My heart's desire is to inspire and encourage.

Can I inspire or encourage you 
by choosing to wallow in comparisons? 
Your talents vs. mine? Does this inspire anything lovely? No.

Can I inspire and encourage my boys 
by wishing that I was spending my time differently, trying to be someone I am not created to be? What will they learn from this?

Can I inspire and encourage 
by my words and thoughts? Words written or spoken, images shared. Thoughts spread without knowing how far they will travel. I hope so. 

Is my heart's desire TANGIBLE? 
Maybe that's the issue. No, it is not. 
(Tangible: 1) Easily seen or recognized. 2) Able to be touched or felt.)
There is nothing to SHOW you about my passion in living. 
Nothing to set on the table and brush my hands over in satisfaction over completion.

My hope is to inspire and encourage and motivate and strengthen.
So intangible. Not seen with your eyes, touched with your hands. Not measurable. 

(Does that mean intangibility lacks value? 
Sorting this out.)

So now.
I hope you are able to learn your heart's desire. And that you are able to nurture it. Celebrate it. Not with any teeny bit of comparison to that person you habitually measure yourself against. 

Is your heart's desire to be a giver of hospitality, and arrange those gorgeous food creations to share with those people you invite into your life?
Is your desire to nurture health in your family, and be an loving artist in the kitchen with your recipes?
Is your desire to create a living space brimming with personal touches, in which you can display your homemade pieces of yourself?

I do not want to compete with the desire of your heart that God has placed deep within you. 
I do not want any of us to question the beauty in how God has designed you and me. 
I do not want us to push aside what truly awakens our spirit. 

How beautiful it would be, if we would all simply cherish and hold dear and nurture the fragile-yet-impassioned desires of our hearts. Even if the world around us doesn't acknowledge that beauty. Living from the place of our heart's passions and gifts will bless others. And bless our own spirit. 

I yearn to humbly inspire and encourage.

What awakens your spirit?

Perspective

During a conversation with a friend earlier today, my friend commented on how (through good ol' Facebook) she has admired how I seem able to manage my three boys and, at the same time, have such sweet moments with them. 
(Even as this friend knows the load of being a fellow momma to the young and needy of care, even as she knows the burdens and concerns built into everyday life: Finances, Never-Ending Workload, Desire for Refreshment, Search for Purpose.)

My spirit soared to hear such words spoken by my friend, yet it was not a prideful soaring. 
More honestly, her words affirmed deep in my soul how much my perspective has continued to be molded and formed. How it has changed into something more beautiful. 
And not because of ME. 
But because of the wrenching lessons borne from the struggles in my life. 

I've been reflecting throughout this day about what has taken place within me. 
Me, who has fought the ongoing burden of depression throughout many seasons of my life.   

Days where...
-I strained for the energy to get out of bed in the mornings. (Even when acknowledging the gifts in my life and wondering the reasons for such despair.) 
-Time and time again I would catch myself staring off into space, blankly swimming through a tangle of discouragement. (Even as life- even as my sweet children- continued moving on around me.)
-During a time in college, my mom called me every 15 minutes to check on me and offer her soothing words of love and encouragement. (Tears come to my eyes as I write this, even all these years later. VIVID is this struggle.)

I believe this struggle that I've continued to FIGHT HARD against is at the core of who I am and upon where my perspective is based... 

After countless times of being low, I have been in a desperate fight against any returning to low spots. 
It is a BATTLE. 
And these are my weapons that have become my way of life: 

-Gratitude. For the tiniest gifts.

-Believing in a bigger purpose, with hope. (HOPE.)

-Faith in God's promises: That I am never alone in my struggle. That healing, perfect days are coming.

-Living IN THE MOMENT. (Searching for and drawing out every bit of joy possible from within the ordinary.)

-Gratitude. Again gratitude.

(My ongoing fight against any returns to the pit of depression has included finding a right medical solution to maintain a healthy balance, and has also required an enormous perspective change.)

Feelings of guilt? 

Turn it over to Christ. 

(I am a woman full of failures, but I have a Creator who has changed my future.)

Feelings of insignificance? Weakness? Uncertain purpose?

Remember I am loved by the One who made me. Remembering He has a design for my life. (And your life.)

Regrets? 

I choose to not even go there. 

("It is what it is" has become my manta that has worked to wash away the fruitless path I once took in looking back at past regrets. For some reason, those words have healing power. Move forward.)

Discontentment? Comparison?

GRATITUDE. Gratitude. GRATITUDE. 

(The honest message given in Ann Voskamp's "One Thousand Gifts" has not ceased to change my life, my days, my moments.) 

Here are some words from God's Word that are hidden deep within me, ready to be pulled out at moment's notice: (May they encourage you as well.)

Yet He knows the way I have taken;

when He has tested me, 

I will emerge as pure gold.

Job 23:10

But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” 

Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may reside in me. 

So I take pleasure in weaknesses, insults, catastrophes, persecutions, and in pressures, because of Christ. 

For when I am weak, then I am strong.

2 Corinthians 12:9-10

And not only that, but we also rejoice in our afflictions, 

because we know that affliction produces endurance, 

endurance produces proven character, 

and proven character produces hope. 

This hope will not disappoint us, because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

On those days of struggling to get out of bed and start the day... 

What got me moving? 

Recognizing the simple pleasure of imagining a steaming cup of coffee alongside some quiet moments to read or journal before others awaken and the house explodes with activity and needs.

Recognizing that the bloom of JOY within me that grew from that simplest part of daily life eventually GREW into savoring the precious pleasures throughout the minutes of life, especially with my children. 

THIS is what has truly changed within me: the perspective of choosing to see the beauty in the ordinary. And seeing it all as a gift.

That is why (on Facebook, for instance) I choose to share warm moments of joy or sweetness or humor or significance... because my soul has such a deep appreciation for recognizing those bits of life. And I cannot help but share those moments with you. Because finding such moments of rest for my soul is absolutely significant and powerful to me.

So it is not as though life is constantly warm and trouble-free, as we can sometimes imagine others have attained in this Facebook world of ours. But. But it is the important stuff. It is what makes my spirit rejoice and long to share.

May you search and recognize the beauty in your ordinary.

Blessings.