Defined by Failure?

My hands held the steering wheel as I was driving home down a quiet road at twilight.
Norah Jones softly playing in the darkened van. Everyone else reading, baby snoozing.
Suddenly: slam on the breaks. 
3 deer about to run across the road.
No, wait. More. A dozen. Wait, even more. 16, 20. Couldn't count them all.
All doe. 
Half of them crossed to the other side; the other half frozen in silent stillness as they waited.
We in the van just watched. Stopped and became still ourselves, right in the middle of the road. Just taking it in.

This. This was the best. The best part of my day.

Oh, had it been a day.
FAILURES.

Ever had that surreal feeling, when you arrive at a highly anticipated event, but instead learn that you made a mistake? There was no event? You came all that way, made all those plans... for nothing?

Yep.

There had been months of dutifully completing twice-daily eye exercises with our middle boy, to strengthen his wandering eyes. We were almost giddy with the possibility of being told by the doctor that we had done it! We were done with that task. Oh, we were excited. (Adults and child alike.)

We rushed to the doctor's appointment. Energetically skipped down the stairs to the oh-so-familiar office. Only to find an empty waiting room, occupied only by the lone receptionist. Hmm. 
"We're here for an appointment with Dr. Suh?" I hesitantly told the kind woman. 

Well. 
It turns out we had the wrong appointment date. She would have tried to get us in, but Dr. Suh wasn't even in the office. Nope, he was in an entirely different town. 
It would be TWO MORE MONTHS. (2 months and 3 days, to be exact.)

Confused and embarrassed, I reluctantly turned around and faced my family who was just settling in to the beloved waiting room. We leave. Middle boy in tears.

So. From that mistake on, a self-fulfilling prophesy seemed to take over. I seemed to attract failures like a magnet. 
Choosing to slam on breaks instead of driving through a yellow light. (Objects in the van slamming forward, out of place. Frustrations mounted.)

Angry at myself.
Others likely angry with the situations... Because of me.

Ugh. Sliding into that familiar Pit. 
Failure. 

Definition of failure, according to Merriam-Webster:

1. Omission of occurrence or performance. 
2. A failing to perform a duty or expected action.
3. A lack of success.
4. A falling short.
5. ONE THAT HAS FAILED.

Unintentional. Mistakes.

Definition of mistake, according to Merriam-Webster:

1. To blunder in the choice of. To misunderstand, make a wrong judgment. 
2. To identify wrongly.
3. TO BE WRONG.

Felt so stuck. So miserable. So unworthy. 

Catastrophizing? Yes, I know. 
But this was the track my mind was scurrying down. Further from the sweetness of life I strive for each day and the focus of making in through the days, feeling somewhat control over myself, seeing the precious in the daily. 
But this was not the case for the girl who had let down others and simply failed. (More than once. Or twice.) 

As I was battling within, a gentle but persistent inner urging reminded me of Truths I believe.

*Of this list below, which immediately brings my mind back to center:

(PLEASE take this list to heart for yourself, too. What voice are you choosing to listen to and believe?)


*Of this nugget of relatable truth, shared by a precious friend of mine last week:

"We need to trade in our performance obsession 

OR our failing obsession 

(which are BOTH really a sin obsession) 

for a Savior obsession."

(Joy Forney,

http://joyforney.org/cross-mothering-video/)

(HELLO! BOTH of those "obsessions" are within me. Wow. Convicting.)

*Of truths I stumbled upon last night, about Jesus and our WEAKNESSES, PAINS:

"Yet He Himself bore our sicknesses, 

and He carried our pains."

(Isaiah 53:4)

"He Himself took our weaknesses."

(Matthew 8:17)

And of truths about Jesus and our WORTHINESS and FAITH:

"Lord, don't trouble Yourself, since I am not worthy 
to have you come under my roof.

That is why I didn't even consider myself worthy to come to You."

YET: 

"Jesus heard this and was amazed at him...

 'I tell you, I have not found SO GREAT A FAITH'"

(Luke 7:6,7,9)

"God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble... 

Casting all your care on Him, because He cares for you."

(1 Peter 5:5,7)

"But He gives greater grace. Therefore He says, 

God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble."

(James 4:6)

So... in the processing of my thoughts and convictions on failure:

• We are all imperfect. We all make mistakes. 
• What are our expectations of OURSELVES and how do WE handle our mistakes?
• What are our expectations of OTHERS and how do we treat them when THEY make mistakes?
• What voice are we listening to? Where do we find the truth?
• God does not define us by our failures. (So there.)
• How do we pass on the gift of grace, instead of anger? 
• How do we handle our anger and disappointment with ourselves and others, and learn to grow in "giving greater grace?"

When I saw all those doe last evening, I felt a calmness. Something about the scene, the unexpected beauty took the focus off of myself. Instead it reminded me of undeserved gifts of beauty, of grace, of life. He still cares for us, even on those bad days.

Let's journey and not give up, as we grow in truth. And as we try to grow in giving greater grace... for others AND ourselves.

Blessings,

Elizabeth

(P.S. Disclaimer: the deer photo above is not my own. Found it on Google images. 
I wanted to grab a picture last night with our own deer, but it was too precious, too wonderful to interrupt...)